The story of nesting

I think nesting is in our genes. We, as women, are genetically inclined to nest. To create a nice, cozy home where we can fuss around with our family and friends. There is something incredibly relaxing about returning home and putting your feet up on your couch. It is extremely fulfilling to whip up meals for your near and dear amidst friendly banter. And it is contentment you feel as you relax in your favorite spot with a book in hand or sit in your balcony with a cup of tea or a drink in hand.

The mere fact that I feel all the above makes me feel that I am indeed a woman. I like all the above things. I like my space to be all the above. And that’s when it becomes home for me. And home is the most comfortable place for me.

It is one of the primal needs for a human, according to me. Food, Sex and Home are the most important things that drive many of our behaviors and it’s the way its evolution intended it to be. Good so far.

It’s the rest of the stuff that comes with nesting that I don’t get.

A wise man once told me that settling down is for rocks. As I listened to him utter those words and shrug nonchalantly is when I realized that he spoke my mind, something that I had never realized I actually felt. Settling down feels scary. Settling down reminds me that I am committed. Settling down means I have a chance to become complacent. Settling down might mean I might not push my boundaries. Settling down , or rather the fear of settling down has been a very important fear/emotion/feeling for major part of my adulthood, driving most of my decisions. As much as I like home , calm and peace, I have never been able to imagine myself settling down. Anywhere. I’ve always been the person who enjoys the moment as it is and keeps reminding herself that this is not permanent and that I shouldn’t fall in love or be afraid of the moment. At least, I try. And oh yes, I married the wise man. That’s the only kind of long term commitment I’ve allowed myself to get into, getting married, that is.

Accumulating stuff. Now this is something related to settling down for me. Makes me feel like I am committed to something. Something I might not be able to change. A fear of loving all these material possessions. And having to move with it all. What would I do if it doesn’t fit the back of my car? From the 22yr old who carried all her possessions in two duffel bags and moved to a strange new city to the 25 yr old who had to pack all her possessions in a suitcase to move to her marital home to the 30 yr old who gave away all her favorite books to move to her ‘dream’ house to the 33 yr old who wanted to shake up that dream , the goal had been to not accumulate stuff - Stuff that I don’t need to function in my daily life, with all its luxury. Stuff that has no utility value and exists only for aesthetics, or the stuff that I love so much that I shudder to imagine existence without it, or stuff that I am scared others will damage.

The fear had always been that I’d be tied down to the stuff and I wouldn’t be able to move ahead. Where ahead, I don’t know myself. Don’t ask me. Now, this is the fear that’s been driving most of my life decisions.

From the person who never wanted to even buy a dining table because it felt ‘sooo married’ , I’ve accumulated a lot of stuff, thankfully, all of it dispensable. And that is going to be the goal, at least till I find the next thing that I fear the most! Or value the most. Whichever way you look at it!

Now, don’t ask me how many clothes or bags or shoes I have. That’s for looking good. That’s for myself. Not for the world! :)

That first moment in love…

Can you remember it? The first moment you realized you were in love? Think about it for a moment. Just humor me.

Did you smile to yourself? Did you wish you could relive the moment? Did you just do that little trip down the memory lane? It is a beautiful trip, isn’t it?

That first instance when you realized you love the person you are with. And that its not just like, and you want to be with that person more, may be a lifetime. And you more than just like everything about that person.

There is something about this feeling that warms the heart, no?

That instant when he peered at you through the mesh of his long fingers sheepishly . Or the moment you saw the moon and him in the same frame and thought , this is it. Or when you lean on to him in a moving train and look at the moon together , and sing songs familiar to you?

Yeah, I cherish those moments. They make living fun. :-D

Writer’s block and what not…

Oh, what a joy it is to finish reading a book you've loved. And yet, what a pain it causes in your heart at having finished it. A deep, numbing pain, and a wish that the book has a sequel . Or may be there are some pages of it left unread somewhere. And the hope you have as you are nearing the end, hoping it doesn’t end, hoping all goes well with the characters you've so grown to love and hoping that there is some more, just a little more.

Yes, I am still in the hangover of this feeling. I just finished reading a book I thoroughly enjoyed and felt, and as I hit the 100% mark, I felt the longing and the wish that there was some more of the book. I wanted to share it somewhere. The husband understands perfectly how I feel , the passionate reader that he is, but I wanted it to be some place more permanent. And that’s when I realized I have a blog, a place I love yet something I've neglected a lot in the past few months. A place which I've stopped visiting myself because I felt bad at having neglected it. Writer's block, you see. :-)

But if I didn’t write now, after having gone through an emotional upheaval and not expressed it here, I figured I would never return to writing, a love more than a hobby of mine of sorts.

I've been good. Life's been good, and I've been jolly with it. The same old stuff that I'd say to a friend I haven't spoken to , in years. But here I can be honest, can't I? :-)

So here it is. I've been jolly. Life's been good. And this probably is the most fun I am having since I can ever remember. And I can only remember fun times, except when I am feeling melancholic and digging deep into the memory troves for something that will be make me sad. Oh, there are quite a few of those. Things that make me sad with regret. Or those that make me sad with nostalgia over times that were very good. Or people that I love but don’t talk to any more for some unknown reason. But I stay to this statement - this is the most fun I've had in a long time.

Growing old feels good. I haven't still figured out what clothes look good on me, or how to make my hair behave all the time. Or what shoes to pair with what clothes. But this realization has made me feel calm, and accepting of my my-ness. The small town girl who never figured out how some of this stuff works. And that I like. But yeah, most times I wish I knew what to pair with those electric blue colored peep toes that I bought on an impulse. The feeling passes off in a while, and I safely return to my safe old pair of jeans, and slippers.

So yeah, growing old feels good. I don’t have to impress anyone with my looks, coz I know I am smarter than the way I look. And that realization is what I like. I know what I like in food now, what kind of alcohol I prefer and what I will do if there is no one around me. I have grown lazier , and I like it that people around me don’t complain about it. I have grown more stubborn , and I realize I have to work on it. I have begun to understand my strengths , especially at work, and I know I don’t use them all the time. And I am comfortable in this knowledge. All of it.

I realized that I am a butterfly when it comes to hobbies and they keep changing. This realization made me feel oddly comfortable. Now I don’t have to berate myself at not having blogged more at my Food blog, or not having cooked more for friends or not pursuing that knitting hobby.

Weekends are fun. No single weekend passes the way I intend it to pass, and I like it. The husband and I talk often about how much we wanted our weekends to be like how they are now, and we are glad that we are living it now.

Weekdays are fun too. I like what I do. Strangely enough, I wait for Mondays on most days, and ask myself what I've been doing all along before this, and why I have postponed having fun so long. Yeah, I like the work I do, the people I work with and the stuff I do when am not working at work.

It's not all as rosy as I project it to be. No one's life is. But I choose to overlook the not-so-rosy parts.. There is nothing that a little bit of good company , some optimism and some detachment can’t cure. For everything else, there is always my purple couch!

Another post

For some more mike testing.

Mike testing...

1...
2...
3!

Gratitude Giving

So, I've been tagged to post 3 things am thankful for , for the next 5 days.
This is going to be generic, and not just for this day, coz I have a lot of things am grateful to the Universe for, and my moment of epiphanies cant happen in the middle of a busy day . :-)

Gratitude - Day 1

1. As sappy as it sounds, I am grateful for having found love. And it really makes me feel complete.
2. I am glad that I have t...he opportunity to talk about self-actualization, feminism, freedom and all other stuff like this. I think about what keeps me going often, and I try to work on that. I am grateful that I get a chance to follow my heart, very often. And I can do all of this because all my other basic needs are taken care of, which I cannot thank the Universe enough for.
3. I am very glad that I have a choice. I have a choice at everything I do, at work, in life and in general. And I exercise it. Even if I am lounging on my couch for an entire day watching a silly sitcom or if am toiling on my computer for 14 straight hours or I spend the entire night reading a book and crying over the characters, I do it only after I have asked myself if I want to do it. 80% of the times, at least.

Gratitude - Day 2

1. Hyderabad - I am so glad Hyd is home. I am always so happy to be back home, more so if am coming from a city like Bangalore where going anywhere is a nightmare.
Yes sir, please keep your weather and weekend destinations. I love my petrol, time and spontaneity more. And oh, I can safely talk about my environmental consciousness. ThankYouVeryMuch!...
2. Coconut oil - For the way it makes my idli with mango pickle taste. For the way it makes the complexion of my people glow. For its aroma and for everything. It has the power to lift my spirits instantly!
3. Technology - Not just because I earn my bread and butter thanks to it. But because of the incredible things it allows people to do. Starting from making it easy for my computer-illiterate Dad to operate his smartphone like a pro to making an otherwise seemingly tech-savvy person like me be constantly in awe of its capabilities. [I just made my first ever Skype call and yes, am in awe :-)]

Gratitude - Day 3

1. Friends - all those who accept me as they are and surround me with so much love, the ones that make me want to be a better person, those that teach me that I can make and keep friends, especially after I've given up on the idea of new friends, coz you know, we are all growing older and the older you are, the harder it gets to make new friends.
2. The things around me that enable me to stay without internet for hours - I know, its hard to believe for most, but I do stay without the internet and my email for hours.
Am either deep inside one of the books, or having fun with people I like without putting it on FB or Twitter, or am just lying on my couch doing nothing.
And it keeps the asocial side in me still love the world and the people in it, and return from my shell full of smiles ! :-)
3. My Family - For just letting me be. In all ways. Especially when families in India are known to pressurize people into doing things they don't want to do and being people they don't want to be, I feel super glad that my very orthodox family, every single member I am related to, is letting me live my life the way I want to.

Gratitude giving - Day 4

1. India - I am glad am in India. And that am an Indian. Yes, things dont move as fast in India. We have a ever-growing population and limited resources. We have a very laidback attitude towards human life and things in general. But at least, am not in China. Or in Congo. Or in Gaza. Or with Boko Haram. Women in this country aren’t in a happy place right now, but I don't ...feel unsafe. Scared, yes. Worried, definitely. But unsafe, never, not yet.
2. My Bamboo plants - If there is just one thing that will instantly make me happy and smile in my house, it’s those tall Bamboos of mine. Truly, the only material possession of mine I truly love. I have a lot of twisted bamboos plants around the house, and the tallest of them are more than 6' 3" (taller than the husband!)
Yes, there is a short story behind them which nearly everyone who visits the house gets to hear, and that's what make these bamboos special.
Oh, and yes, they make me feel that I can really take care of living things. :-)
3. My workplace and the culture here - It wasn’t just a career choice, it is a lifestyle change. It keeps me grounded and has gotten me an opportunity to see some of the smartest people I'll ever know, at work. It reminds me every day that I'd rather be a mediocre person among a bunch of smart people than be the smartest one among a group of mediocre blokes. And has given me a motivation to push myself every single day. I don’t think I’d be the same person I am today had it not been for all these years I spent here. Some people like this new me, some don't, but it suits me just fine.

Gratitude giving - Day 5

1. Vipasana - Well, what can I say about the difference this has made to my life. Not only is this a form of meditation, this is a way of living, and taking those 10 days to do it certainly is one of the best things I've done for myself. You will still see me freak-out for things, but those instances are reducing day by day. Well, no one is perfect, no? ;-)

2. Books - For me, book reading is not just a hobby anymore. It is something that I do, along with eating and breathing, things that keep me alive. From introducing me to things and worlds I never knew existed to influencing some key thoughts in my life, books have been everything. I've not known how to be a non-reader, and I don't think I'll be one too.

3. This is a tough one, and there are two contenders -
a. Hand-sanitizers - For the slightly OCD-ious me, these bring peace of mind, without a background thread polling on all the different places a particular thing must've been. [And the husband insisted I add this to my list, which brings me to the next item on my list :-) ]
b. To-Do lists - They let me live my life, and as annoying as it is to me and everyone around me, these lists let me get stuff done. And technology (Thank you OneNote!) has made it easier for me to keep my lists in sync so I am not anymore dependent on those yellow stickies.

2013 and a 2014 look ahead…

It has been a good year, all in all. Can’t complain on any front since life’s been good. Did a couple of things, some personal achievements, some holidays and a lot of activity. And am thankful to Providence for each of these things!

For starters, we did what I never thought we would. We sold the apartment which I initially thought was our dream house, and had never intended to leave for anything in the world. Turns out our feelings weren't strong enough, and we fell out of love with the house , sold it , and moved on from it physically , emotionally and mentally, all in no time at all. The pretext was to buy a bigger apartment, which we didn’t in the end, but I guess we were both ready to move on from that old apartment. One of the most impulsive yet very well turned out decision of our lives, I must say! I thought I’d be insecure without my own house, but the bigger realization was that we were both nomads deep inside, and the obligation of not paying an EMI made us realize that we like this life better than anything else. It makes me feel free, unattached and gives me the independence to do anything I want, which I wouldn’t trade for anything! We rented a larger apartment which brings us closer to our goal of having a better social life, we spent a bomb in doing up this apartment, and are happy! That’s what matters, right!

We, the husband and I, took a hard look at how close we are to our target-retirement-assets, during the whole real estate transactions and figured out that we were both close and yet far from it, which was a good revelation to have. That makes the money goals quite clear, and we both know what we are working for, and towards. A good place to be in!

Work has been good. There is a very welcome job change, something that teaches me something new every day. And am more clear in what I want to do with my work life – To work for passion, not for money. On that note, here’s one of the most impactful lines I read this year, something that made me change quite a few things in my work life, and is currently my work signature -

When you look back at yourself six months from today and don’t feel embarrassed by your naiveté, there’s a problem. That means you’re not learning, growing.

And the decision to not have children still continues. We still are asked the same old questions about children and why we don’t have one yet, but they have decreased a lot. Either people are growing sensible or we are developing a thicker skin. Parents have accepted that we have a mind of our own, and have stopped expecting a grandchild from us. Once we got to this point, both of us have become quite open and aren't shying away from telling people that we are childless by choice !

I got a tattoo this year, my second one. Based on Impermanence, I have the line ‘Sarvam Anityam’ inked in Devanagari lipi on my wrist. Its such a pretty tattoo that I still stare at it lovingly, a full 3 months after I got it done! The lines mean what I believe in strongly, and what I try to practice every single day of my life, yet to not much success. This line also reminds me what Vipasana taught me, and how I should be detached from everything and yet be attached to everything! Unlike my first tattoo, I wasn’t scared of this second one. I was looking forward to it, I had thought about the lines a long time ago, and this was like an craving I had to crave in to! Here it is…

A great holiday happened. In fact, two great holidays. One was our regular annual vacation to Goa, where all we did was take long walks on the pristine white beaches (yes, there are a few of them even now in Goa) and drink bottles of port wine. The other was a dream vacation to Greece. It was originally planned as a getaway vacation, but I added a fitness goal to it and made it into a hiking holiday, something that worked out so well, that am now inclined to take up atleast one activity based holiday per year! There was one other vacation that happened towards the end of the year, but that wasn’t even one. It was intended to be a annual reading holiday, but turned out to be a driving holiday. We got to Mudumalai, took one look around at our surroundings, realized we were too bored by that place, and drove back to Hyderabad the next day! Just an example of how we are letting our impulses take over these days… its like the older we grow, we have more freedom! :-D

To gear up for the hiking holiday, I took up working out, something that I had never done before. Found a great instructor who is making me realize every single day what I am capable of doing with my body, and what I could do if I realize its full potential, and how my body reacts when I abuse it with crappy food. What we do is programmed strength training, and am now all set to have a few fitness goals for 2014. On that note, healthy eating has also increased. This year, even the husband has been nice enough to play along with me in eating the millet-heavy diet am laying on his table!

Read quite a bit, though not as much as I wanted to. 76 books in one year is a good number, but its not as good as 122 books in an year , no? Blogged a bit. Did a very taxing month-long project where I posted one salad recipe per day. Gave one health based talk at a hospital. Got mentioned in a newspaper, thanks to a friend who was writing the article. Did one photo shoot for someone, for which I didn’t get the credit. Yeah , yeah… lessons are always learnt!

Friends… where shall I begin and where shall I end. Without being too sentimental, let me just say in one sentence what I feel about the people in my life. I am truly thankful to God (am almost an atheist, so that’s saying a lot!) for all the delightful people in my life today, every single one of them. I might not meet them every single day, some I haven't met in months, but all of them that matter are still a part of my life. Over the years, I’ve figured out that I need to keep away from people who don’t add a positive influence to my life, and have been largely successful too.  Guess that’s one of the perks of growing older… you discover whom you like to hang out with , you discover your own self via the people you are with. And yet again, am truly truly thankful to each of my friends. And I hope to be as good a friend to them all as they are to me. Like I always tell the husband, we must’ve done something right in our past lives to be blessed to be around such wonderful people.

2014 brings with it a lot of plans, decisions, goals and hopes!

There is an obligatory fitness goal, which I intend to reach this year. Yes, there’s nothing better than fitting into less sized clothes, and smiling as people ask you if you’ve lost weight.
I’ll hope to read to at least 50 books this year. Unlike my old apartment where it was only me and the husband, there is a thriving social life in this new place that we moved into. So anything more than 4 books a month would mean that am missing out some good girlfriends time! :-)
May be another tattoo, but am not sure. :-)
Take my food blog a little more seriously. And invest in it. On that note, take my food photography a little more seriously too. Both of them need a lot of TLC!
Meet more of my old friends. Meet more new interesting people. Keep people who don’t mean well out of my life.
Take more holidays, one every quarter, may be! ;-)
Keep working for passion!
Hang out more with the adorable daughters and sons of my friends. And with those wonderful nieces and nephews am gifted with!

Lets hope that the Universe lets me follow each of these plans through this new year. And wish you all a very happy new year! :-)