Writer’s block and what not…

Oh, what a joy it is to finish reading a book you've loved. And yet, what a pain it causes in your heart at having finished it. A deep, numbing pain, and a wish that the book has a sequel . Or may be there are some pages of it left unread somewhere. And the hope you have as you are nearing the end, hoping it doesn’t end, hoping all goes well with the characters you've so grown to love and hoping that there is some more, just a little more.

Yes, I am still in the hangover of this feeling. I just finished reading a book I thoroughly enjoyed and felt, and as I hit the 100% mark, I felt the longing and the wish that there was some more of the book. I wanted to share it somewhere. The husband understands perfectly how I feel , the passionate reader that he is, but I wanted it to be some place more permanent. And that’s when I realized I have a blog, a place I love yet something I've neglected a lot in the past few months. A place which I've stopped visiting myself because I felt bad at having neglected it. Writer's block, you see. :-)

But if I didn’t write now, after having gone through an emotional upheaval and not expressed it here, I figured I would never return to writing, a love more than a hobby of mine of sorts.

I've been good. Life's been good, and I've been jolly with it. The same old stuff that I'd say to a friend I haven't spoken to , in years. But here I can be honest, can't I? :-)

So here it is. I've been jolly. Life's been good. And this probably is the most fun I am having since I can ever remember. And I can only remember fun times, except when I am feeling melancholic and digging deep into the memory troves for something that will be make me sad. Oh, there are quite a few of those. Things that make me sad with regret. Or those that make me sad with nostalgia over times that were very good. Or people that I love but don’t talk to any more for some unknown reason. But I stay to this statement - this is the most fun I've had in a long time.

Growing old feels good. I haven't still figured out what clothes look good on me, or how to make my hair behave all the time. Or what shoes to pair with what clothes. But this realization has made me feel calm, and accepting of my my-ness. The small town girl who never figured out how some of this stuff works. And that I like. But yeah, most times I wish I knew what to pair with those electric blue colored peep toes that I bought on an impulse. The feeling passes off in a while, and I safely return to my safe old pair of jeans, and slippers.

So yeah, growing old feels good. I don’t have to impress anyone with my looks, coz I know I am smarter than the way I look. And that realization is what I like. I know what I like in food now, what kind of alcohol I prefer and what I will do if there is no one around me. I have grown lazier , and I like it that people around me don’t complain about it. I have grown more stubborn , and I realize I have to work on it. I have begun to understand my strengths , especially at work, and I know I don’t use them all the time. And I am comfortable in this knowledge. All of it.

I realized that I am a butterfly when it comes to hobbies and they keep changing. This realization made me feel oddly comfortable. Now I don’t have to berate myself at not having blogged more at my Food blog, or not having cooked more for friends or not pursuing that knitting hobby.

Weekends are fun. No single weekend passes the way I intend it to pass, and I like it. The husband and I talk often about how much we wanted our weekends to be like how they are now, and we are glad that we are living it now.

Weekdays are fun too. I like what I do. Strangely enough, I wait for Mondays on most days, and ask myself what I've been doing all along before this, and why I have postponed having fun so long. Yeah, I like the work I do, the people I work with and the stuff I do when am not working at work.

It's not all as rosy as I project it to be. No one's life is. But I choose to overlook the not-so-rosy parts.. There is nothing that a little bit of good company , some optimism and some detachment can’t cure. For everything else, there is always my purple couch!

Gratitude Giving

So, I've been tagged to post 3 things am thankful for , for the next 5 days.
This is going to be generic, and not just for this day, coz I have a lot of things am grateful to the Universe for, and my moment of epiphanies cant happen in the middle of a busy day . :-)

Gratitude - Day 1

1. As sappy as it sounds, I am grateful for having found love. And it really makes me feel complete.
2. I am glad that I have t...he opportunity to talk about self-actualization, feminism, freedom and all other stuff like this. I think about what keeps me going often, and I try to work on that. I am grateful that I get a chance to follow my heart, very often. And I can do all of this because all my other basic needs are taken care of, which I cannot thank the Universe enough for.
3. I am very glad that I have a choice. I have a choice at everything I do, at work, in life and in general. And I exercise it. Even if I am lounging on my couch for an entire day watching a silly sitcom or if am toiling on my computer for 14 straight hours or I spend the entire night reading a book and crying over the characters, I do it only after I have asked myself if I want to do it. 80% of the times, at least.

Gratitude - Day 2

1. Hyderabad - I am so glad Hyd is home. I am always so happy to be back home, more so if am coming from a city like Bangalore where going anywhere is a nightmare.
Yes sir, please keep your weather and weekend destinations. I love my petrol, time and spontaneity more. And oh, I can safely talk about my environmental consciousness. ThankYouVeryMuch!...
2. Coconut oil - For the way it makes my idli with mango pickle taste. For the way it makes the complexion of my people glow. For its aroma and for everything. It has the power to lift my spirits instantly!
3. Technology - Not just because I earn my bread and butter thanks to it. But because of the incredible things it allows people to do. Starting from making it easy for my computer-illiterate Dad to operate his smartphone like a pro to making an otherwise seemingly tech-savvy person like me be constantly in awe of its capabilities. [I just made my first ever Skype call and yes, am in awe :-)]

Gratitude - Day 3

1. Friends - all those who accept me as they are and surround me with so much love, the ones that make me want to be a better person, those that teach me that I can make and keep friends, especially after I've given up on the idea of new friends, coz you know, we are all growing older and the older you are, the harder it gets to make new friends.
2. The things around me that enable me to stay without internet for hours - I know, its hard to believe for most, but I do stay without the internet and my email for hours.
Am either deep inside one of the books, or having fun with people I like without putting it on FB or Twitter, or am just lying on my couch doing nothing.
And it keeps the asocial side in me still love the world and the people in it, and return from my shell full of smiles ! :-)
3. My Family - For just letting me be. In all ways. Especially when families in India are known to pressurize people into doing things they don't want to do and being people they don't want to be, I feel super glad that my very orthodox family, every single member I am related to, is letting me live my life the way I want to.

Gratitude giving - Day 4

1. India - I am glad am in India. And that am an Indian. Yes, things dont move as fast in India. We have a ever-growing population and limited resources. We have a very laidback attitude towards human life and things in general. But at least, am not in China. Or in Congo. Or in Gaza. Or with Boko Haram. Women in this country aren’t in a happy place right now, but I don't ...feel unsafe. Scared, yes. Worried, definitely. But unsafe, never, not yet.
2. My Bamboo plants - If there is just one thing that will instantly make me happy and smile in my house, it’s those tall Bamboos of mine. Truly, the only material possession of mine I truly love. I have a lot of twisted bamboos plants around the house, and the tallest of them are more than 6' 3" (taller than the husband!)
Yes, there is a short story behind them which nearly everyone who visits the house gets to hear, and that's what make these bamboos special.
Oh, and yes, they make me feel that I can really take care of living things. :-)
3. My workplace and the culture here - It wasn’t just a career choice, it is a lifestyle change. It keeps me grounded and has gotten me an opportunity to see some of the smartest people I'll ever know, at work. It reminds me every day that I'd rather be a mediocre person among a bunch of smart people than be the smartest one among a group of mediocre blokes. And has given me a motivation to push myself every single day. I don’t think I’d be the same person I am today had it not been for all these years I spent here. Some people like this new me, some don't, but it suits me just fine.

Gratitude giving - Day 5

1. Vipasana - Well, what can I say about the difference this has made to my life. Not only is this a form of meditation, this is a way of living, and taking those 10 days to do it certainly is one of the best things I've done for myself. You will still see me freak-out for things, but those instances are reducing day by day. Well, no one is perfect, no? ;-)

2. Books - For me, book reading is not just a hobby anymore. It is something that I do, along with eating and breathing, things that keep me alive. From introducing me to things and worlds I never knew existed to influencing some key thoughts in my life, books have been everything. I've not known how to be a non-reader, and I don't think I'll be one too.

3. This is a tough one, and there are two contenders -
a. Hand-sanitizers - For the slightly OCD-ious me, these bring peace of mind, without a background thread polling on all the different places a particular thing must've been. [And the husband insisted I add this to my list, which brings me to the next item on my list :-) ]
b. To-Do lists - They let me live my life, and as annoying as it is to me and everyone around me, these lists let me get stuff done. And technology (Thank you OneNote!) has made it easier for me to keep my lists in sync so I am not anymore dependent on those yellow stickies.

2013 and a 2014 look ahead…

It has been a good year, all in all. Can’t complain on any front since life’s been good. Did a couple of things, some personal achievements, some holidays and a lot of activity. And am thankful to Providence for each of these things!

For starters, we did what I never thought we would. We sold the apartment which I initially thought was our dream house, and had never intended to leave for anything in the world. Turns out our feelings weren't strong enough, and we fell out of love with the house , sold it , and moved on from it physically , emotionally and mentally, all in no time at all. The pretext was to buy a bigger apartment, which we didn’t in the end, but I guess we were both ready to move on from that old apartment. One of the most impulsive yet very well turned out decision of our lives, I must say! I thought I’d be insecure without my own house, but the bigger realization was that we were both nomads deep inside, and the obligation of not paying an EMI made us realize that we like this life better than anything else. It makes me feel free, unattached and gives me the independence to do anything I want, which I wouldn’t trade for anything! We rented a larger apartment which brings us closer to our goal of having a better social life, we spent a bomb in doing up this apartment, and are happy! That’s what matters, right!

We, the husband and I, took a hard look at how close we are to our target-retirement-assets, during the whole real estate transactions and figured out that we were both close and yet far from it, which was a good revelation to have. That makes the money goals quite clear, and we both know what we are working for, and towards. A good place to be in!

Work has been good. There is a very welcome job change, something that teaches me something new every day. And am more clear in what I want to do with my work life – To work for passion, not for money. On that note, here’s one of the most impactful lines I read this year, something that made me change quite a few things in my work life, and is currently my work signature -

When you look back at yourself six months from today and don’t feel embarrassed by your naiveté, there’s a problem. That means you’re not learning, growing.

And the decision to not have children still continues. We still are asked the same old questions about children and why we don’t have one yet, but they have decreased a lot. Either people are growing sensible or we are developing a thicker skin. Parents have accepted that we have a mind of our own, and have stopped expecting a grandchild from us. Once we got to this point, both of us have become quite open and aren't shying away from telling people that we are childless by choice !

I got a tattoo this year, my second one. Based on Impermanence, I have the line ‘Sarvam Anityam’ inked in Devanagari lipi on my wrist. Its such a pretty tattoo that I still stare at it lovingly, a full 3 months after I got it done! The lines mean what I believe in strongly, and what I try to practice every single day of my life, yet to not much success. This line also reminds me what Vipasana taught me, and how I should be detached from everything and yet be attached to everything! Unlike my first tattoo, I wasn’t scared of this second one. I was looking forward to it, I had thought about the lines a long time ago, and this was like an craving I had to crave in to! Here it is…

A great holiday happened. In fact, two great holidays. One was our regular annual vacation to Goa, where all we did was take long walks on the pristine white beaches (yes, there are a few of them even now in Goa) and drink bottles of port wine. The other was a dream vacation to Greece. It was originally planned as a getaway vacation, but I added a fitness goal to it and made it into a hiking holiday, something that worked out so well, that am now inclined to take up atleast one activity based holiday per year! There was one other vacation that happened towards the end of the year, but that wasn’t even one. It was intended to be a annual reading holiday, but turned out to be a driving holiday. We got to Mudumalai, took one look around at our surroundings, realized we were too bored by that place, and drove back to Hyderabad the next day! Just an example of how we are letting our impulses take over these days… its like the older we grow, we have more freedom! :-D

To gear up for the hiking holiday, I took up working out, something that I had never done before. Found a great instructor who is making me realize every single day what I am capable of doing with my body, and what I could do if I realize its full potential, and how my body reacts when I abuse it with crappy food. What we do is programmed strength training, and am now all set to have a few fitness goals for 2014. On that note, healthy eating has also increased. This year, even the husband has been nice enough to play along with me in eating the millet-heavy diet am laying on his table!

Read quite a bit, though not as much as I wanted to. 76 books in one year is a good number, but its not as good as 122 books in an year , no? Blogged a bit. Did a very taxing month-long project where I posted one salad recipe per day. Gave one health based talk at a hospital. Got mentioned in a newspaper, thanks to a friend who was writing the article. Did one photo shoot for someone, for which I didn’t get the credit. Yeah , yeah… lessons are always learnt!

Friends… where shall I begin and where shall I end. Without being too sentimental, let me just say in one sentence what I feel about the people in my life. I am truly thankful to God (am almost an atheist, so that’s saying a lot!) for all the delightful people in my life today, every single one of them. I might not meet them every single day, some I haven't met in months, but all of them that matter are still a part of my life. Over the years, I’ve figured out that I need to keep away from people who don’t add a positive influence to my life, and have been largely successful too.  Guess that’s one of the perks of growing older… you discover whom you like to hang out with , you discover your own self via the people you are with. And yet again, am truly truly thankful to each of my friends. And I hope to be as good a friend to them all as they are to me. Like I always tell the husband, we must’ve done something right in our past lives to be blessed to be around such wonderful people.

2014 brings with it a lot of plans, decisions, goals and hopes!

There is an obligatory fitness goal, which I intend to reach this year. Yes, there’s nothing better than fitting into less sized clothes, and smiling as people ask you if you’ve lost weight.
I’ll hope to read to at least 50 books this year. Unlike my old apartment where it was only me and the husband, there is a thriving social life in this new place that we moved into. So anything more than 4 books a month would mean that am missing out some good girlfriends time! :-)
May be another tattoo, but am not sure. :-)
Take my food blog a little more seriously. And invest in it. On that note, take my food photography a little more seriously too. Both of them need a lot of TLC!
Meet more of my old friends. Meet more new interesting people. Keep people who don’t mean well out of my life.
Take more holidays, one every quarter, may be! ;-)
Keep working for passion!
Hang out more with the adorable daughters and sons of my friends. And with those wonderful nieces and nephews am gifted with!

Lets hope that the Universe lets me follow each of these plans through this new year. And wish you all a very happy new year! :-)

True love… huh?

 

I was listening to Lana Del Ray’s songs and the whole discussion about true-love started in my mind between the eternal-cynic and the once-sentimental selves about what true love is, if it exists and if it really is over-rated. That’s when I remembered an old post of mine. Something I wrote back in 2008, when the song The Reason was on my playlist non-stop. Am pleasantly surprised to know that my thoughts about love have not changed much.

Some excerpts from the original post…

Does this kind of love exist?
I know love is beautiful, and its the best thing to happen to a person and all that jazz. I know you feel completed when you are in love, and I also know that its lucky to find love.
But this kind of love, the one mentioned in the song, like how you feel like holding the tears, how you can never ever forgive for giving her some pain... this one is beyond me.

Either I forgot how it is to be in love, that fresh feeling, or I never felt that kind of an emotion, both of which are okay. Coz I know that the fresh feeling will never be fresh, and the important feeling is the one that lasts, and if I never felt that emotion, that' is because I am not an emotional person, but it would be interesting to see someone who feels all this…

Is there anyone who has felt this all even after few years of togetherness?
I mean, does anyone actually feel this kind of love in real life, or is it all fiction?
I always thought no one would be as foolish as Scarlett O’Hara (the literary one, not yours truly) is, to give up everything you have in pursuit of one man!
I always thought violins-in-a-slow-tune never happen when people fall in love.
I always thought no man would leave everything he has and go behind his wife, like the protagonist in Zahir does. Yes, the reason he does that for is different, but the feelings he feels are profound!
Is there something like - you stay in his arms and you don’t want anything else? Naah, not for me atleast. I would enjoy the moment thoroughly, but then that is not life.
Is there really a Prince Charming? Is it enough if he just charms you and takes you in a pumpkin carriage?

Well, in my world, everything is practical & real.
I believe in love which makes me feel secure, and happy.
I believe in love which gives me my space and lets me grow.
I believe in love where I can share each of my feelings and get support/understanding in return.
I believe that I might miss someone terribly, but I can still be happy by myself.
At the same time, if I am not missing someone, it does not necessarily mean that I do not love the person the same way anymore.
I would want to stay in his arms, and look into his eyes, but that would be for the rest of my life, not for just a moment or two. If its for just a moment, I’d rather not have it. And I wouldn't do it with stars in my eyes, just a neat smile on the lips!

No, I am not talking about the whole soul mate concept here. I do believe in the connection between two souls. I, for one do not believe that there is just one soul mate. I believe that there are many soul mates. You meet them at different stages of your life. They don’t have to always be from the opposite sex.

Neither am I talking about the One. I do not believe that there is something like The One.
Mr.Right exists, but the catch is, there are always Mr.Right-s. Depending on where you are in your mind, or life, you meet a certain person who becomes your Mr.Right then. Its a great feeling if he continues to be the Right one forever, if you both learn together and grow together. If not, too bad. 

I, for once do not also believe in Love-happens-only-once-philosophy, or in true love at all.
If it is love, then it is true. Otherwise its just infatuation, lust or attraction. I even think that true love is highly over-rated.

I have contemplated on what I would do, if ever the person I love would leave me and go. Well, I might cringe and yearn for his company for a while, and miss him after that. After a while, I think I will get back to life.

My philosophy towards this is - As long as it was there, it was good. Now let me not spoil it by dwelling over it! From the time I have known love, I have been like this, and have enjoyed it this way. Always loved with all my heart and never regretted it!

Well, I wasn’t always this practical or cynical, if you decide to call it that. I used to be sentimental , trying to hold things in my fist and trying to control how my relationships grow or where they lead. If anything age has taught me , its that I don’t get anything by trying to be a control-freak. Age has taught me that -

If its meant to be, it will. If its not, it wont be.

Yep, so I can safely deduce that this kind of extreme love exists only in the songs, movies & books!

And if someone I know feels this kind of love, I would be amused... :) And yes, I would also want to know how they feel this way, may be I can take a few lessons.
After all, to one his own!

Of journals and nostalgia…

There is something about reading old journals or dairies and nostalgia, isn’t it?
While they all take us on a good nostalgic trip, the journals also remind us of what we were back when we wrote them…

Like how I am feeling right now as I am reading my journal (blog) which I wrote when I was 25….

All the songs I liked back then which I don’t like anymore, my opinions on many important things around which have obviously changed in all these  years, the things I was attached to and which do not mean a thing to me anymore, the kind of problems I had in life back then which look like child’s play now, the things that hurt me and made me cry don’t mean the same anymore…

The 25-yr-old-me thought that -

JKR would keep writing Harry Potter novels
I would be valuing the colour-wire-bracelet that the best friend made for me in the Basic Electronics Lab when I was in college
The transistor I stole from the Electronics lab would be with me forever, for all the great conversations I had with friends after stealing it
I would not ever throw away the pyjamas that I wore when lil Bro got his job
Those huge pile of Hero pens that Dad got for me claiming he ordered them to be flown in from China
And all those memories of college that I cherished and stored away so deep in my heart
I would never get over not being in the lives of some very important friends

Yes, she thought they would stay forever where they were.

And then the Law of Impermanence happened.

5 years thence, a much-more matured me will say that these things have all passed. I don’t have any of these saved anywhere. Not the Hero pens, nor the bracelets nor the pyjamas. Or the memories related to any of these. Somewhere in all these years, something snapped. I stopped holding onto these.

This person now thinks that all these have had their time, they were much loved and cherished during their day, but it was time to let go of them. They meant a lot when they were in my heart, but then their presence in my life was to end there… That’s just till where I was to have them in life. All those things, and all those people also.

As I was reading a post I wrote back in March 2006 talking about practising The Art of Letting Go, when I felt a myriad of emotions at having to move from a place I called my home for 2 yrs, my bachelor-pad to a place that would be my home forever , I couldn’t help but think of how much I’ve changed over these years. Heck, even my style of writing, the things I write about, my language , all of these have changed.

New Role Model

Christine Lagarde . First woman head of the IMF. First woman ever to become minister of Economic Affairs of a G8 economy. Swimmer. Lawyer.

Need I say more?

Also read this article Guardian article – Is this the world’s sexiest woman?

Food for thought?

No, its for the belly, at least in this case…

Ever since the thought of eating healthy has entered this pea-sized brain of mine, growing my own food has been a dream. This big balcony we have in the house got me one step closer to this dream. I now have couple of herbs which I use in my day-to-day cooking. Two types of Tulsi, Aloe vera, one Arika palm tree and a couple of Bamboo plants comprise the home garden, for now. There are big plans to grow the Italian Basil, tomatoes and chillies too, but given my green thumb, lets see how far I go…

Coriander is one of the easiest to grow. Just squash some coriander seeds and pour it into the pot. Water it daily and wait for at least a week. The sprouts do not look anywhere like how a coriander leaf is supposed to look, but hold on for another week and see the beautiful coriander bush in the same pot. I am so in love with this bunch, that I’ve decided that I am not going to cut this one out. I am just going to let this bunch stay in the pot and see how far it will go…

Pudina is another easy to grow plant. My maid, who has a great green thumb insisted that I have mint in my garden, and got the branch herself and planted it. It now is a cute little bush. Not enough to make mint chutney but enough to increase the green colour in the balcony…

There is no other plant that has got my fancy as much as the Basil. I sometimes doubt that my love for pasta is because of the love for Italian Basil. I love the smell of Thai Basil and the shape of the leaves. I love to pluck the Indian Basil’s leaves and chew on them. Fresh Basil and its smell always make my mouth water and when I made my first batch of Pesto, I was on Cloud 9.

So when I was getting the home garden ready, I knew I had to have the Basil plants. N gave me a bunch of Thai Basil seeds, but given the success rate I have in getting plants out or seeds, I lost them all. That was when A was generous enough to give me a Thai Basil sapling which I asked my maid to plant in the pot. And lo… within a few weeks, I had a beautiful plant , full of leaves and some more saplings in the same pot.

I am still waiting for laying my hands on some Italian Basil so I can make pesto out of my own basil leaves without having to make that trip to the super market , and to make plain basil pasta. Till then, I am making do with this Basil.

And then, there is the Lemongrass herb that I painstakingly grew. One fine day I got this craving to cook and eat Thai food, and the recipe called for lemongrass. I immediately set off to the nearest super market to buy some. Sadly, that place didn’t have any. The next super market didn’t have any too, neither did the next. Desperation took me to the Hyper City mall where I found three bulbs of lemongrass. But so shaken was I with the whole looking-for-the-herb when there is a deep craving for the food , that I chose to not cook with this lemongrass, but grow my own lemon grass. How I grew this from those three bulbs is another story, but this herb has not given up on me, so far. It gives me fresh stalks of grass every week, which i sometimes cut and throw away, because of its abundance. Touché.

And oh, the Kari Patta plant, which is now almost stripped off all the leaves, yet has one stalk for me every time I want to tadka-karo my South Indian dishes.

The Aloe Vera plant which promises eternal health, great skin , the sun, moon and the stars , has not been used for any of these purposes so far, because of which it has grown enormous leaves, stretching into my Thai Basil. And then there are the decorative plants the husband loves so much… All this on the bamboo stool that we got made for the balcony… well, that’s all to the home garden, for now, at least.

Void

This morning as I was sitting and trying to meditate, the whole thought of void got into my head. Yes yes, I know you are not supposed to think about things when you meditate, but isn’t that what happens exactly when we try to meditate. Given that I was trying to catch up on some Vipasana, I let the thought fly by, since that is what you do in Vipasana. Let the thought run its course, instead of struggling to suppress it or ignore it. I wanted to see how far the thought process would go, and what other thoughts spring up as a result of this one.

Well, for once, I had questions – Do I have a void in my life? Did I ever have a void in my life? What did I do when I faced the void? What exactly is this void? And as with what happens with all the questions that come to my mind, being the little Miss Know-it-All that I am, I also had the answers. Well, the answers might not work for everyone, and for sure do not apply to all the situations in my own life, but they do solve most of the emotional puzzles I faced so far.

To start with , I think that needs and void are inter-connected. Sometimes it so happens that you would’ve never known that there was an emotional need and it would’ve been getting filled via some means. But when the means suddenly stop, the void appears.
Basically void is this huge need that has to be expressed. A feeling in your mind which has to be expressed. It could be love for a spouse/significant other, maternal feelings, love for a pet, wanting to serve the society , love for a sibling, a deep dependence on friends… etc.

What we do with the void determines our personality. Some of us might go berserk at the void and try to fill it up with material possessions. Some might turn to religion and look for all the answers in religion. Some might turn to spirituality. Some might just become depressed.
Rebound relationships, adopting a kid, a mid-life crisis, an extra marital affair, babysitting a pet, trying to replace the sibling with similar people or looking to replace the sibling’s place, getting new friends, an endless string of relationships with people of the opposite gender, immersing oneself into their career… these could all be examples of how one gets over the void.

I was thinking about how I tried filling up my share of voids. Back when I was much younger and faced with a void, I tried filling it up in a stupid manner. Something that I have never been proud of.
But even as I grew older , I noticed that every time a person left my life, I tried filling it up with another person. Sometimes more than one depending on how important that person is/was.
And when I look back, think and make comparisons on the original person and the replacements (which is a terrible thing to do , btw, both for the original and the replacement person), there have been times when I was happy at having done that. And sometimes I beat myself to it, at how I could’ve replaced the person X with the non-deserving person Y.

That was when Vipasana helped me. The first time, and every time thence. Acceptance, Impermanence and Understanding – the major mantras in dealing with matters of the mind.

The next time I was ready to take a trip to the Guilt-Land, I told myself this – Agreed that this was not the right way to do it, but back when you did it, it seemed like the one. And it helped you get over the void. And no, you did not replace the person/need. You just were looking to channelize all those emotional energies to something else because you did not know how to cope with the void. That only emphasizes the importance of the need/person in your life, a compliment to their/its existence in  your life. All the things you’ve done when faced with the void are justifiable in their own way. But here’s a learning – Identify the next time you face a void. Treat this void better. Mourn the loss of the need. Think through your replacements and then go ahead for one.

Trust me, this helped. Immensely. I’ve come to terms with the things I’ve done in the past. I’ve got a learning on how my mind works when faced with a void and I have a better idea on how I will deal with it.

I know this is a long topic and not something that will be done with just a post. Yesterday being the day when I saw many close friends expressing their need and hence the voids in their respective lives, and me thinking about it for the longest time possible must’ve led this early morning discourse on the whole process of wants/needs/voids.

When I think about how some voids have been filled up in my life and in others’, I cannot help but think – this is all coz of us being humans. Supposedly the third most intelligent species (oh yes, I totally believe dolphins and mice are the most intelligent. Got the whole H2G2 reference?). If we were like any other animal , except of course a dog, we would not even face a void. We wouldn’t need to deal with it. Or if all us were sanyasis, and didn’t need or want anything or anyone for our living, wouldn’t it be a great life? But then, we are not… and till the time we attain our Nirvana we have to deal with voids. Make stupid mistakes. Learn from them. And deal with the voids again. The whole cycle of life!

Aaah… More Cricket love!

This is what I had to write on Oct 07, 2006, during the Champion’s trophy, on my first blog. The blog is not accessible for public anymore, but I thought this post is sure worth a second mention. I also checked that I had got 31 comments for this one then (quite a feat for a blogger of my stature, yes I am bragging! :)) Pardon the English and the tone of it (it sounds very juvenile to me now :)), but do read on to see my love for the game. Or should I say, ex-love! :)
When India lost the match against West Indies (I am not even sure it is WI or not also!) due to the Duckworth Louis(pardon the spelling if it is wrong!) method, I could see everyone talking about that whereever I went for 2 full days. Then when Sachin hit his 40th century, I could see rejoicing right from the cafeteria to the ghar-ka-building...
Good people.. enjoy at India's victory.
But please... dont talk to me about it. Mereko koi farak nahi padta hain... I am a total ignoramus when it comes to present-day-cricket. Yeah, I dont even know who the captian of Indian cricket team is. Is it Sachin? Saurav?? Okok... Is it Dravid?? whatever.. I dont even know who are all the members of the team. I dont know the manager, coach(is it Bob Woolmer by any chance?) nor the physio guy for the team(I remember we had a cutie sometime back!). I am a total ignoramus.... I dont even know where India is playing at the moment and I am not ready to believe that it is Malaysia coz I know Malays dont have a team! Or do they have one now?
Now.. do I see few of my readers walking away from this blog shaking their head disappointedly?? Hold on.. before you write me off as a total-idiot-who-doesnt-know-the-beauty-of-the-game.. I have something to say!
Main kya karun yaar... its been ages since I watched cricket. Till last week, I didnt even know that Sachin was not playing because of some ache.
And only today when S fought for the remote is when I understood that something called Champion's Trophy is gonna start today..
And I am not at all exaggerating if I say that after the recent soccer matches, I am liking soccer more than cricket. Yeah.. Soccer will yeild a good result within just 2 hours, but to know the winner of a cricket match, you gotta wait for one full day...
Nopes.. I am not doing the great task of comparing the beauty of soccer versus that of cricket. Coz at the end of the day, I am an ignoramus in soccer also. All I know about it is that you get to see cute guys wearing shorts showing off their gorgeous legs and playing with that footbal... All I know is that you have guys like Toni, Totti, Ronaldinho, Beckham, Ballack, Lehmann and of course Zidane in soccer.. thats all.
But then I dont even know who the latest players in cricket are. The last I remember is we had nice players like Gautam Gambhir, Ritender Singh Sodhi and the likes debuting into cricket.
I do remember Kapil running half through the ground to catch Richards' ball thus sending him to the pavilion. I also remember Saurav throwing his shirt off from the Oval. I remember Haq talking in Hindi when Boycott was asking him questions in English. I remember Shahid Afridi making the fastest 100 and Jayasuriya getting it for his 50. I can also recollect Shoaib Akhtar throwing the ball fiercely at Sachin. And I couldnt forget Saeed Anwar's 195(or was it 198?Ok, I just verified, its 194!) against India...
And I didnt forget what Shane Warne said about Sachin and his dreams. I fondly remember my adoration towards Courtney Walsh and Curtley Ambrose. I remember Walsh's 6/12(Updated - It is 5/1 by Walsh and 6/12 by Kumble!), Aquib Javed's 7/37 against India and of course Kumble 7/41 and 10-wicket haul. I remember Kenya's 250 fight against SL's 399.
I didnt forget Azhar praying in the middle of pitch and his unique style of holding the bat. And I also remember Jadeja's one-time glory against Pakistan. I will never forget how Srinath and Kumble together led India to victory in the Bangalore match against Australia with their mothers praying for them from the stands. And how can I not remember the more-than-1000-run match Sri Lanka played against India. I remember my starry eyes as I looked at Steve Crowe when he led his team to 9 victories only to lose to Pakistan in Semi Finals in the World Cup. And how can I forget the bechaini I had when I saw Chris Cairns on TV?
I remember the ferver the South Africans showed when they played their first match against India after their 22-yr ban. Who will forget Lance Klusener for the way he threw the ball so that it wouldnt be a six thus losing a chance of taking a wicket. That Paul Adams guy who would throw a ball like he was a monkey.
David Boon's bade-bade-mooche, Glischrist all-roundship, Mark Waugh's captaincy(Updated-Another mistake here. Its obviously Steve Waugh and not the other twin who captained!) and decency when he had to give away the reins of the one-day team to another captain but still lead the test team, Steve Waugh's(As usual, I got confused between the twins, its Mark!) cute looks, Ian Healy's wicketkeeper ship - I remember all of this.
I will never forget the monkey dance Javed Miandad did in front of Kiran More, the accolades More got when he stumped out South-African-captain, Wasim Akram's dimag-kharab-hain-kya scolding to Afridi for missing a catch, the Indo-Pak peace series in Toronoto and Hansie Cronje's excellent captaincy. I remember the injustice of Duckworth Louis method with the South Africans had to make 22runs in 1 ball.
I remember Kapil being gifted a car by his fan in South-Africa, the way we Indians played on the West Indies pitches, how we faced the bounce in them(this was the season when only VVS Laxman made 22 runs in the Barbados test). I remember Geff Boycott giving pitch analysis with his key and his praising the Prince of Kolkatta.
I remember the way I would be nervous from the morning if India had to play Pak, I remember all the mannats I would take so that we win the match, I remember Mom waking up at 3AM to see the Toronto matches.
But then how could I forget the fact that apna-beloved-Azharuddin is held guilty in the match-fixing deal, Jadeja teaming up with him and excellent-captain-Hansie selling his team for a few dollars..
How can I forget the pain I felt when I realized that we Indians will be praying like fools for the team's victory whereas the winning team has already been decided off-pitch?
How can I forget the test-match India lost against Pakistan in Chennai, when all we needed to make were 15 runs to win with 8 wickets in hand, and all the players kept on walking towards the pavilion after Sachin got out?
I cannot forget the smiling faces of the cricketers in the advertisments which would be telecasted in the middle of a losing match.
Yep... I was this extra-ardent fan of cricket who kept track of even what happenened in each of the circketer's lives. I also remembered their fave songs. I remember bunking reading for my 10th class Social public exam only to see Kambli crying, Kumble his-head-hanging and Eden Gardens blazing... I remember how badly I prayed that Azhar be proven not-guilty. I cried along with Kapil when he shed tears on BBC. I remember discussing all these things every morning with the boys of the class, when the girls would treat me as an odd-girl-out.
Well... the point I am trying to drive home (the straight sixer I am trying to make is :)) that I had been this great fan of cricket, but the pain of losing again and again has got so much into my nanha-munna-innocent-head that I decided its waste to watch cricket and then feel bad that we lost. My defense mechanism told me that its a major waste of time and I could invest that time in reading GodFather for the 15th time. Atleast Godfather wins at the end of it.
So... I stopped watching cricket. Completely. And got so out of touch of it that I dont even know the current affairs of it. I recently asked Mom what Jagmohan Dalmiya is doing at the moment only to see that she was laughing at my lack of GK. Now I know that there is a match on TV when I see that Mom is giving the TV more attention than she would give me on normal days when I visit her. Or when she answers the phone in a dejected voice and go on to tell me the match details only to see that I would be laughing and proceed to give her a discourse about my funda.
(Well, she stopped talking to me about it after she got her very own cricket-loving-son-in-law. Both of them were running all over the house even on the day we got engaged coz there was some goddamn match on TV. One minute, this guy would be in front of me, the other minute with the TV. One second this lady would handover me the saree and next minute both of them discussing. He slid the ring in the finger and ran off to see who got the next wicket. She would look at me lovingly for one second and then give me a doubt if she was looking at me or at Sachin!! Wont I get irritated?? Aaarghhh.. but that story is for another day!)
Ok.. this is it! I am not going to explain why I am not into cricket anymore again! People who start discussing - "Kal ka match dekhi? Sachin ne kya century mara naa", watch your neck!!!

Is it already 2011!

Suddenly I realized that the end of this World Cup is actually an end of an era for my generation.
Yes, most of us have seen Sachin's first ever cricket match.
Almost all of us have seen Kambli cry like a girl as Kumble walked on grimly in 1996, and the apologies by the crowd at Eden Garden right afterwards.
Or the test series in West Indies where Kumble had the bandage and yet played thus winning all our hearts.
Or that series in Barbados where Laxman was the only one to make a double digit score.
Or see the bad boy Ricky Ponting grow on to be the shrewd man and captain his side.
All of us remember that Kumble, Warne and Murali were truly the best of spin the game can see.
All of us have seen Shoaib's fastest ball or have seen with grudging wonder when Afridi made the fastest 50.
We all loved Jayasuriya and Kaluwitharana's game, and prayed at a point that we never have to play SL!
Who among us has forgotten the WC match in Bangalore which saw Sohail act like a jerk and were shocked when Prasad gave a fitting reply?
Or how Manoj Prabhakar sealed his own fate by gifting away runs? Or how we had to bear Jadeja for just that one match just coz he made 45 runs?
Haven’t we all smiled seeing Dada throw away his shirt from the Oval?
Remember the lanky boys Vettori and McGrath debuting?
Or the fateful match for SA where they had to make 22 runs off one ball?
How many of us could forget how hard it got for Kapil towards the end of his career to achieve that record of 434 records?
Did you guys forget how Wasim Akram told Afridi ‘dimag kharab hain?’ after he dropped Sachin’s catch?
We didnt have IPLs or 20-20s. Instead we had boring test matches and interesting 50 over ODIs. There was no overdose of cricket. All we had was a beautiful game, and tons of memories associated with the good, bad and great boys of the game!
True, we are growing old! :)

[I was in 10th class when the 1996 world cup matches were going on, and we were asked to write an essay on Indian Cricket for English exam. For a mere 5 marks, I remember I filled up as much as 5 pages, all about the beauty of this game with glorious uncertainties! From the time this WC has started, I have not been able to forget this incident and how much cricket meant to me back then!
And as I saw Murali make his final victory lap in Colombo today, I could not help but thinking about the good old days of cricket, the days I enjoyed so much!]