Writer’s block and what not…

Oh, what a joy it is to finish reading a book you've loved. And yet, what a pain it causes in your heart at having finished it. A deep, numbing pain, and a wish that the book has a sequel . Or may be there are some pages of it left unread somewhere. And the hope you have as you are nearing the end, hoping it doesn’t end, hoping all goes well with the characters you've so grown to love and hoping that there is some more, just a little more.

Yes, I am still in the hangover of this feeling. I just finished reading a book I thoroughly enjoyed and felt, and as I hit the 100% mark, I felt the longing and the wish that there was some more of the book. I wanted to share it somewhere. The husband understands perfectly how I feel , the passionate reader that he is, but I wanted it to be some place more permanent. And that’s when I realized I have a blog, a place I love yet something I've neglected a lot in the past few months. A place which I've stopped visiting myself because I felt bad at having neglected it. Writer's block, you see. :-)

But if I didn’t write now, after having gone through an emotional upheaval and not expressed it here, I figured I would never return to writing, a love more than a hobby of mine of sorts.

I've been good. Life's been good, and I've been jolly with it. The same old stuff that I'd say to a friend I haven't spoken to , in years. But here I can be honest, can't I? :-)

So here it is. I've been jolly. Life's been good. And this probably is the most fun I am having since I can ever remember. And I can only remember fun times, except when I am feeling melancholic and digging deep into the memory troves for something that will be make me sad. Oh, there are quite a few of those. Things that make me sad with regret. Or those that make me sad with nostalgia over times that were very good. Or people that I love but don’t talk to any more for some unknown reason. But I stay to this statement - this is the most fun I've had in a long time.

Growing old feels good. I haven't still figured out what clothes look good on me, or how to make my hair behave all the time. Or what shoes to pair with what clothes. But this realization has made me feel calm, and accepting of my my-ness. The small town girl who never figured out how some of this stuff works. And that I like. But yeah, most times I wish I knew what to pair with those electric blue colored peep toes that I bought on an impulse. The feeling passes off in a while, and I safely return to my safe old pair of jeans, and slippers.

So yeah, growing old feels good. I don’t have to impress anyone with my looks, coz I know I am smarter than the way I look. And that realization is what I like. I know what I like in food now, what kind of alcohol I prefer and what I will do if there is no one around me. I have grown lazier , and I like it that people around me don’t complain about it. I have grown more stubborn , and I realize I have to work on it. I have begun to understand my strengths , especially at work, and I know I don’t use them all the time. And I am comfortable in this knowledge. All of it.

I realized that I am a butterfly when it comes to hobbies and they keep changing. This realization made me feel oddly comfortable. Now I don’t have to berate myself at not having blogged more at my Food blog, or not having cooked more for friends or not pursuing that knitting hobby.

Weekends are fun. No single weekend passes the way I intend it to pass, and I like it. The husband and I talk often about how much we wanted our weekends to be like how they are now, and we are glad that we are living it now.

Weekdays are fun too. I like what I do. Strangely enough, I wait for Mondays on most days, and ask myself what I've been doing all along before this, and why I have postponed having fun so long. Yeah, I like the work I do, the people I work with and the stuff I do when am not working at work.

It's not all as rosy as I project it to be. No one's life is. But I choose to overlook the not-so-rosy parts.. There is nothing that a little bit of good company , some optimism and some detachment can’t cure. For everything else, there is always my purple couch!

2013 and a 2014 look ahead…

It has been a good year, all in all. Can’t complain on any front since life’s been good. Did a couple of things, some personal achievements, some holidays and a lot of activity. And am thankful to Providence for each of these things!

For starters, we did what I never thought we would. We sold the apartment which I initially thought was our dream house, and had never intended to leave for anything in the world. Turns out our feelings weren't strong enough, and we fell out of love with the house , sold it , and moved on from it physically , emotionally and mentally, all in no time at all. The pretext was to buy a bigger apartment, which we didn’t in the end, but I guess we were both ready to move on from that old apartment. One of the most impulsive yet very well turned out decision of our lives, I must say! I thought I’d be insecure without my own house, but the bigger realization was that we were both nomads deep inside, and the obligation of not paying an EMI made us realize that we like this life better than anything else. It makes me feel free, unattached and gives me the independence to do anything I want, which I wouldn’t trade for anything! We rented a larger apartment which brings us closer to our goal of having a better social life, we spent a bomb in doing up this apartment, and are happy! That’s what matters, right!

We, the husband and I, took a hard look at how close we are to our target-retirement-assets, during the whole real estate transactions and figured out that we were both close and yet far from it, which was a good revelation to have. That makes the money goals quite clear, and we both know what we are working for, and towards. A good place to be in!

Work has been good. There is a very welcome job change, something that teaches me something new every day. And am more clear in what I want to do with my work life – To work for passion, not for money. On that note, here’s one of the most impactful lines I read this year, something that made me change quite a few things in my work life, and is currently my work signature -

When you look back at yourself six months from today and don’t feel embarrassed by your naiveté, there’s a problem. That means you’re not learning, growing.

And the decision to not have children still continues. We still are asked the same old questions about children and why we don’t have one yet, but they have decreased a lot. Either people are growing sensible or we are developing a thicker skin. Parents have accepted that we have a mind of our own, and have stopped expecting a grandchild from us. Once we got to this point, both of us have become quite open and aren't shying away from telling people that we are childless by choice !

I got a tattoo this year, my second one. Based on Impermanence, I have the line ‘Sarvam Anityam’ inked in Devanagari lipi on my wrist. Its such a pretty tattoo that I still stare at it lovingly, a full 3 months after I got it done! The lines mean what I believe in strongly, and what I try to practice every single day of my life, yet to not much success. This line also reminds me what Vipasana taught me, and how I should be detached from everything and yet be attached to everything! Unlike my first tattoo, I wasn’t scared of this second one. I was looking forward to it, I had thought about the lines a long time ago, and this was like an craving I had to crave in to! Here it is…

A great holiday happened. In fact, two great holidays. One was our regular annual vacation to Goa, where all we did was take long walks on the pristine white beaches (yes, there are a few of them even now in Goa) and drink bottles of port wine. The other was a dream vacation to Greece. It was originally planned as a getaway vacation, but I added a fitness goal to it and made it into a hiking holiday, something that worked out so well, that am now inclined to take up atleast one activity based holiday per year! There was one other vacation that happened towards the end of the year, but that wasn’t even one. It was intended to be a annual reading holiday, but turned out to be a driving holiday. We got to Mudumalai, took one look around at our surroundings, realized we were too bored by that place, and drove back to Hyderabad the next day! Just an example of how we are letting our impulses take over these days… its like the older we grow, we have more freedom! :-D

To gear up for the hiking holiday, I took up working out, something that I had never done before. Found a great instructor who is making me realize every single day what I am capable of doing with my body, and what I could do if I realize its full potential, and how my body reacts when I abuse it with crappy food. What we do is programmed strength training, and am now all set to have a few fitness goals for 2014. On that note, healthy eating has also increased. This year, even the husband has been nice enough to play along with me in eating the millet-heavy diet am laying on his table!

Read quite a bit, though not as much as I wanted to. 76 books in one year is a good number, but its not as good as 122 books in an year , no? Blogged a bit. Did a very taxing month-long project where I posted one salad recipe per day. Gave one health based talk at a hospital. Got mentioned in a newspaper, thanks to a friend who was writing the article. Did one photo shoot for someone, for which I didn’t get the credit. Yeah , yeah… lessons are always learnt!

Friends… where shall I begin and where shall I end. Without being too sentimental, let me just say in one sentence what I feel about the people in my life. I am truly thankful to God (am almost an atheist, so that’s saying a lot!) for all the delightful people in my life today, every single one of them. I might not meet them every single day, some I haven't met in months, but all of them that matter are still a part of my life. Over the years, I’ve figured out that I need to keep away from people who don’t add a positive influence to my life, and have been largely successful too.  Guess that’s one of the perks of growing older… you discover whom you like to hang out with , you discover your own self via the people you are with. And yet again, am truly truly thankful to each of my friends. And I hope to be as good a friend to them all as they are to me. Like I always tell the husband, we must’ve done something right in our past lives to be blessed to be around such wonderful people.

2014 brings with it a lot of plans, decisions, goals and hopes!

There is an obligatory fitness goal, which I intend to reach this year. Yes, there’s nothing better than fitting into less sized clothes, and smiling as people ask you if you’ve lost weight.
I’ll hope to read to at least 50 books this year. Unlike my old apartment where it was only me and the husband, there is a thriving social life in this new place that we moved into. So anything more than 4 books a month would mean that am missing out some good girlfriends time! :-)
May be another tattoo, but am not sure. :-)
Take my food blog a little more seriously. And invest in it. On that note, take my food photography a little more seriously too. Both of them need a lot of TLC!
Meet more of my old friends. Meet more new interesting people. Keep people who don’t mean well out of my life.
Take more holidays, one every quarter, may be! ;-)
Keep working for passion!
Hang out more with the adorable daughters and sons of my friends. And with those wonderful nieces and nephews am gifted with!

Lets hope that the Universe lets me follow each of these plans through this new year. And wish you all a very happy new year! :-)

Tough decisions…

Yep, only when you have to make them do you realize that you are indeed a grown-up. And that life is not how it was when you were Daddy’s little girl, you’d run to Daddy and tell him the problem and expect it to be solved in the next minute. Or pick up the phone and talk it out with Mommy, and expect her to solve it for you. Well, when you grow up, more often than not, you discover you cannot even discuss many of your dilemmas with your parents. That’s the downside of being a grown-up, I feel.

I will take a slight digression and mull on how much watching Gilmore Girls again made me miss my Mommy. And how many times in the middle of an episode, I would pick up the phone and talk some random stuff with Mom, not the usual, how are you doing, did you take your meds, no, I cannot visit you this weekend etc. Yeah, I realized that watching the show made me grow closer to my Mom, reminisce all the moments I spent talking to Mom when I was staying at home, and how we are still close, except that we now don’t see eye-to-eye on most topics. Watching the show has also made me understand Mom more, understand how she would’ve felt when she saw her kids leave home, how she dealt with the empty nest syndrome and how she is coping with it even now… Well, as I said, I digress.

Back to the decisions, it sucks, doesn’t it. To be all grown-up, with the whole world expecting you to know what you want in life and how to get it. To have to deal with all your problems without support. To be an adult, pay bills, make plans etc. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for independence, but I sometimes get nostalgic about the irresponsibility, of depending on someone else to get your stuff done and of having to pick up the phone and just expect problems to be solved. Yeah, I chose this world, and as much I whine about it, I want this. I want to be able to decide what I want to do with anything I would like, and how things have to be dealt with in my life. Makes me feel all super-powerful.

It only stinks when I have to prioritize. When I have to decide what I want to do over something else I want to do. Its the difference between ‘want to do’ and ‘have to do’ that bugs me, and by what I see around among all the adults I know (those who don’t want to be adults but have to be ), its a problem all of us have.

I just made one of such tough decisions. It was between what I want to do, and what I have to do. Have to do is pretty important stuff and yes, it keeps me happy. Want to do is something I always wanted to do. An option I wanted to explore as an alternate career. Something I wanted to do when I grew bored of my Have-to-do stuff. Something that was my cushion. I thought I could do both of these, I am a super-woman after all , just that it turns out I am not. Deadlines in both these areas of work, and I figured out I will have to let the want-to-do go away. I cannot screw up with my have-to-dos, can’t I? And so, I decided to take a shot at want-to-do when I am more relaxed with my have-to-do.

I know I am going to regret this decision, moreover opportunities do not keep coming. And so this will get filed under the Missed-Opportunities list I am maintaining. This might even be a Dear Diary moment, for me to look back when this list grows too big because I will forever be busy with my have-to-do. Sigh. Sometimes, at very very rare times, being an adult sucks. Coz I alone am responsible for this decision, no?

Books… the impact!

 

Needless to say, books impact our lives a lot. I also believe that books shape us, our characters and a lot on how we think about many aspects around us. That is why being well-read was a very important trait for me. The ONE thing I was particular about my life-partner even as a young girl was that the boy I would marry would be well-read and should be able to talk and hold conversations on books. If not anything else, we’d at least never run out of topics to talk about.. :)

I am a huge fan of Haruki Murakami, his books, his style of writing (with due credit to his translator)  and the world he weaves in his stories. I’ve learned a lot and read up a lot after finishing each of his books because of the many references he gives to many topics in his books, all those that he likes or he draws his inspirations from. So when his 1Q84 was due for release last year, there were a lot of articles on him, his living, his books and his inspiration for 1Q84 itself and the various things in the book that he refers to. First and foremost on the inspiration list was that he titled the book on the lines of George Orwell’s 1984. Now, until then, I’ve obviously read and heard a lot about George Orwell but was never compelled enough to go and read his books. But to read and understand and to not miss a single reference that Murakami would give in 1Q84, I decided to read 1984. This is first of the many things I did in 2012 to gear myself up to read 1Q84. Yes, that is/was how important it was for me to understand the book and Murakami, and the book. I am currently reading this book, but more about this later, in a separate post which this book totally deserves.

Now, 1984 – from the minute I finished reading this book, I cannot tell in how many ways this book has impacted my thinking. From the outline of it, its not a great story. Its set in a dystopian society ruled by a dictator where people are forever forced to think in a certain angle. Obviously, the setting is brilliant, the story telling is awesome but what’s more awesome is how this book has been in my thoughts forever. Every time I think of past, and how I would like to change it, like the old photographs on my food blog, or the posts on this blog, or changing certain aspects in my Facebook Timeline, I cannot help but think that I am trying to change history, one of the most important points of 1984. Its shocking how deep an impact the book has made, because of all the things that have crept into popular culture from this book, the only thing that stuck to me is trying to change history. Trying to change history is trying to change who we are, and in effect changing our own identity. This thought has dawned on me only from the book.

And that is how I began to think of all the books that have impacted me , changed the way I think about certain things and shaped the person I am today.

First and foremost on that list is Gone with the Wind and Scarlett O’Hara. Every time I think of survival, I think of Gone with the wind, and how Scarlett survives the war and saves her family and those around her. Its the image of Scarlett stomping her feet and saying – I’ll live through this day, and when I do, I’ll take care I’ll never have to see a day like this forever, this is the image that will never leave me, and come to my mind every time I see a challenge, or something that might weaken me.

I am a huge Harry Potter and J.K. Rowling fan, but what I love best about this book is the image of love it has created in my mind. To me, all the 6 books are a prelude to a beautiful love story which unravels itself in Book 7, when Snape wants to look into Harry’s eyes as he dies. Also, when I think love, the one other book that I can never forget is Love in the time of Cholera, and the image of a young man being turned down in a market and resolving to win over the girl some day, even if he has to wait for it for a lifetime.

Love is a vast subject, there are various angles to it, and it is one of the most written about topic too, but there are some books which stand out. Always. Like Wuthering Heights, for example, which will forever evoke an image of a doomed love in my mind. Ralph Fiennes had a lot to do with this, but the image of the enraged Heathcliff and headstrong Katherine will never leave my mind if I were to think of love, and the pain it causes. Oliver’s Story , and the image of Oliver Barrett running by the river Boston and stopping, heaving is an image of a  young man who has decided to live the reminder of his life thinking about his love, Jennifer. Also , Gatsby’s crazy neurotic love and the things he does for it create another irrevocable image when the talk of love comes up.

From the time I’ve read up on Communism, I’ve been extremely interested in it. How it is implemented, how it affects the people living in that country , are they happy or not and such questions have always been on my head, but nothing answered them better than Orwell’s Animal Farm and Rand’s We, The Living. So now when I whine about the lack of freedom in India to not think of Sachin Tendulkar as God, I cannot help thinking about Stalin’s Russia, where it was not allowed to think about certain things. That was where a deep sense of wanting to have freedom of thought has arose in my mind, and now if I value ONE thing in my life, it is the Freedom of Thought, something that guides many of us in many directions.

The word ‘Charity’ always brings up Atlas Shrugged in my mind’s eye. This probably is THE book that has a deep influence on how I think about a lot of things around me, and one that is responsible for me being so opinionated. Charity should never be forced, individuals should have the freedom to do what they want to do with their money, and it is completely okay to be selfish and do the things you want to do because you love to do them, and not for the greater good of mankind – Atlas Shrugged, Hank Rearden, Dagny Taggart and John Galt are single-handedly responsible for these opinions I hold in highest regard, some of the most important thoughts I have.

I think of depression and I feel Sylvia Plath haunting me from inside the Bell Jar. I think of being alone or feeling lonely and I think of Ursula from 100 years of Solitude. I think of Power and Family and Don Vito Corleone emerges in my vision with people kissing his hand. I think of making deals or negotiations and I see the Don making an offer people can’t refuse thus teaching a valuable life’s lesson. When I am waiting for the husband to come home, I cannot help but think of Penelope and her long wait for Ulysses as she is weaving her shroud. The words impact and influence come to my mind and I think of Prabhakar, Sara and Khan from Shantaram, another of the books that I hold in highest regard.

When I think back of the days I was growing up, all of them have the same memory – me reading a book on an easy chair, in the dark with a torchlight on, in bed in my room after I moved away, walking back from the library after picking up a book to read that night , in short of most of them are about books. Back then, I did not know what kind of books I loved, or what it was about the books that made me read them so voraciously. I hadn’t even identified my favourite authors then, and I was game to read just about anything.

One of the many perks of growing up and growing older is wisdom, and awareness. Its like I’ve suddenly become aware of what books I like, the genres I enjoy reading, and the authors I like. This has been a life long process and I keep discovering everyday now, but for the past couple of years, the books I’ve read and the ones that have stuck have adhered to certain simple subconscious rules.

The book/author should teach me something new, be it a concept or a part of history or introduce a new thought. I should have enough material to read up on the aspects mentioned in the book, thus giving me a scope to expand my horizon of thoughts and opinions. Magic realism , dyrstopia or fantasy should be an underlying theme, if there was a love story in it, its a bonus. If I get to do a time

Am from Shivalli…

Ideally, that is how I would like to introduce myself when anyone asks me where I am from. I generally resort to saying am from Karnataka or from Mangalore depending on whether am in a mood for a deeper conversation on that day. And then I smile and listen to how the other person says I don’t look like a South Indian at all. If it is someone who is familiar with how women from Konkan region look like, they will then admit that I look like someone they know, someone from Mangalore or Belgaum. But more often than not, people immediately say, I look like a Punjabi , because of my loud voice. Or a Gujarati because of the name. Or a Telugu, because of the surname. And then cringe in my mind. Why? Why don’t I look like a South Indian? Each of these attributes are because I am a Mangalorean. To be precise, a Shivalli Brahmin. Well, not many have even heard of this community.

Am missing home. And by home, I don’t mean my parent’s place or my own place here in Hyderabad. I am definitely missing Mangalore, especially my native place Ujire. Well, that place is almost a Tara for me, so to say… that place where I go to reaffirm that I belong to some place, and the place that reminds me that there are more of my kind. The loud, Tulu-speaking, boisterous , fun-loving crowd.

Well, its not hard to be thinking of your native and mother tongue when you are some sort of a minority among all the Tamil, Telugu, Hindi and Mallu speaking friends, colleagues and relatives. And when your native place is atleast 16 hours away from where you stay now. And the only people who speak your mother tongue are reachable through phone, and you don’t see them all that often. And you have to answer questions about the lack of written script for your  mother tongue. (Well, there IS a Tulu script, there apparently is a Mahabharata written in Tulu , one epic poem, and one Tulu movie even won a National Award)

Oh yes… I am missing the usual Tulu banter. All those phrases used in vernacular Tulu. I can still translate them and use them in Telugu or Kannada, but its not the same. Phrases like Chittu puli saibe , Ninno tare , Kebitu gaali potunu, Ninku marlu, Botri marayre, Beedi naayi which appear in vernacular Tulu do not mean the same when translated. Tell me if any of these make any sense to you – The guy selling oranges, Your head, There is air in your ears, You are mad, No, man, street dog. No, right? But use them to any Tulu-speaking person, and you’ll see the wide grin or may be even an incredulous look on his/her face.

What with people migrating all over India and the world, there are a lot of people who don’t live in the place that speaks their mother tongue. For popular languages like Telugu, Tamil, Punjabi, Gujarati, Malayalam etc, you will find someone speaking the same language including the same dialect in most Indian cities. But for Tulu, this is never the case. In the rarest of the rare cases that I actually found anyone speaking Tulu, I’ve noticed immediately that it is not the same dialect that I am used to.

Language is important in making a person feel at home or not. Other such parameters are food and people. All of which I don’t get to see as much as I would like to.

Mangalorean cuisine is different in terms of the ingredients , the vegetables and the style of cooking. There are a lot of yogurt based dishes, and there is almost zero usage of lentils. Almost all dishes have fresh coconut in them and there a lot of no-cook recipes too. There is a ton of difference in our staple breakfasts and the rest of the nation’s. In short, like all other regional cuisines in India, it is totally different and quite rare to find even in restaurants. Kodakene, Kodyelu, Saaru, Bajji, Rotti, Shavige, Gatti, Dose… These are staples in a Tulu household, and are unheard of in any other part of this country.

And then the people.

We, Tulus are a very loud community by nature. We laugh and talk in a very loud, boisterous tone. We make a huge spectacle out of everything. Words generally reserved for adult usage flow freely when we talk. Almost nothing is not suitable for children’s ears. Words like pinkan and pukuli which literally mean ass are commonplace in our conversations. There are just no inhibitions. Men have loud , crude jokes in the presence of an entire audience, and no one considers it rude.

At lunches, all the men remove their shirts, and sit in a straight line, showing off their pot-bellies and Janivaras . All of them utter the words ‘Govinda Govinda’ at once , and start on to polish off the sumptuous food off the plantain leaves, in one particular pre-decided-from-atleast-900-years order. (If you do not eat food in that order, your lineage is immediately questioned. ) And all of them get up from their lunches at the same time, always after the eldest man in the entire lot is done.

We can eat Dose for all three meals in one day. And like that for a full week, if needed. For festivals, all of us call our relatives, each of them mostly proprietors of a Udupi hotel in a different place, and talk about our menu for the day asking the same question – ‘Ini jaado special’ knowing the answer very well. And Dose is the prominent item in that. For Krishnashtami, Ugadi and Deepavali, our only festivals. And for birthdays or social gatherings. Dose & Chutney, it is! Its a mass-Dose-preparation-ritual for us, every day.

And the love for sweets , or desserts. There are almost always three to four varieties of payasams at our weddings. Couple of burfis , pelakkai gattis, Kukku rasayanas and paramanna feature in our menus, and dal will be missing in all our menus conspicuously. We just don’t eat Dal, you see. We make up for all that protein by drinking litres and litres of peru (milk) and chai.

All of us are united in our great love for saaru, and the saarus in all our houses taste almost the same. It is like literally everyone’s Mom had the same teacher for cooking in their school. And all of these women stock up on their Byadigi munchis. Goli, gujje, saute and amte are some of our vegetables which make some of the best dishes. Our pickles do not have oil in them and yet last for as long as you want them to and taste like a piece of spicy heaven.

We all love to eat anything with coconut oil. Dose, Idli , Kodyelu or Mudita uppuda with rice taste the best with coconut oil for us. We do not mind if the other person is squirming at the thought of eating coconut oil, for us its the healthiest ever. Oh yes, Parachute coconut oil is highly edible. For the record Parachute coconut oil is different from Parachute hair oil. Thank you very much!

All our social gatherings are because our Swamis or Mathadipathis are visiting our towns, and one rich Uncle is hosting the seer, more often than not in his paryaya. We all flock to him for his Ashirwada and some news about our collective hometown, Udupi or how the Krishna elephant behaved in the recent paryaya.

Almost all of us have grown up with our fathers talking about vyapara (business) which generally is hotel business. All of us have eaten Idlis, puris and masala dosas as breakfast for major parts of our lives, and will still order the same food when we eat outside. We would like to know how different these taste in other hotels, you see.

Almost all of us have memories of how our fathers have chased cars with Karnataka registration with the vain hope that they probably are from Mangalore, and came home with a carful of strangers only because they spoke Tulu. We all have shared our books, our rooms and our memories with kids we’ve never seen before and who will leave the next day, only because their parents spoke Tulu too, and our parents found a common connection in their third cousin’s fifth daughter’s in-laws’ cousin. Oh yes, we all are related. More often than not. And by the mere mention of our surnames, we identify each other which part of Mangalore they are from.

There is no men-will-sit-in-one-room-women-in-another attitude in our community. Everyone is welcome to talk to everyone they like, and all conversations always start with a wide smile and a ‘Encha ulleru, maama/maami?’ followed by a quick ‘Usharullera?’ and a bending down to touch their feet. Elders always ask the same question, no matter which time of the day you talk to them – ‘Ashana aana? Jaado tinderu?’ (literally means – did you have your meal? What did you eat?) and the younger ones rattle out the entire menu.

During festivals or celebrations, there is a mass-community-Namaskaram ritual. Everyone bends down on all their fours to touch the feet of their elders. We do that even if we see them, the elders of the family every day, on festivals, and even if we wear a new dress that day. Basically, there is a mayhem and confusion around Namaskara time, because everyone wants to touch everyone’s feet. We frown upon anyone who cannot get down to their fours and bend. What a sacrilege to not be doing that!

The Tulu girls are generally known to be more gutsy than Tulu boys, who are always mama’s boys, calling their Moms 8 times a day to update them about their days, ending up taking care of their Dad’s Udupi hotels and passing them on to their sons, making tonnes of money in the process. Tulu women are generally very pretty and look not a day older than 35 even when they are well beyond 50, and Tulu boys end up getting a bald head and a slight paunch by the time they turn 30, though I am told that times are changing these days, thankfully for the Tulu girls.

None of us, Tulu girls have heard the Gayatri Mantra being recited out loud in our houses, and we have not touched or cleaned the God’s pedestal till now, we are not allowed to, but that doesn’t mean we are discriminated. That is for the boys to do during their Gayatri recitations and Sandhya Vandanams, that’s all. Oh, and yes, we do Bhootaradhane and consider the Kolas a huge celebration.

And yes, we all speak one language more than the rest of you non-Tulu speaking folks. Telling people that Tulu is your mother tongue but you cannot speak it is frowned upon. There are so few of us that most of us do not want to not know our mother tongue. Forget passing it on to the next generation, we are doubtful if folks from our own generation will find enough people to speak Tulu with.

No, we are not proud of Aishwarya Rai, but we do mention that Prakash Raj is one of ours. So is Shilpa Shetty. And we are all particularly proud of Sunil Shetty, and more such folks.

You see, my culture is rich. As rich as any of the other cultures in India. Just that, there are so few of us, and so scattered that we are not as famous as the other communities for our idiosyncrasies or general behaviours.

Just because some of us do not live in or near our native place , and are not married to Shivallis, and do not have carry our Shivalli surnames in our names anymore , that does not make us any less of a Mangalorean.

Our hearts still yearn for Tulu, coconut oil and to yell ‘Ninno Pinkan’ (and be understood) out loudly to anyone who might irritate us…

The cynic thinks…

Trust me, being cynical about things suits me. Or being highly philosophical , for that matter. A great deal.
I don't have to worry about the end result. I don't have to deal with anxieties or cold feet or worries. I only have to do my share of the work. And leave the rest to destiny/Karma/Universe. Things will work out the way they were designed to be.

But you know what I miss the most about being this way ?

The ability to feel. To cry. To fret on things/people. To possess. To desperately want something.

Well, I am not a saint. I do feel all the above. But only for an extremely small fleeting second, and the practical self kicks in. And all these feelings vanish. Just like that.

Kinda boring, no? :-)

Food for thought?

No, its for the belly, at least in this case…

Ever since the thought of eating healthy has entered this pea-sized brain of mine, growing my own food has been a dream. This big balcony we have in the house got me one step closer to this dream. I now have couple of herbs which I use in my day-to-day cooking. Two types of Tulsi, Aloe vera, one Arika palm tree and a couple of Bamboo plants comprise the home garden, for now. There are big plans to grow the Italian Basil, tomatoes and chillies too, but given my green thumb, lets see how far I go…

Coriander is one of the easiest to grow. Just squash some coriander seeds and pour it into the pot. Water it daily and wait for at least a week. The sprouts do not look anywhere like how a coriander leaf is supposed to look, but hold on for another week and see the beautiful coriander bush in the same pot. I am so in love with this bunch, that I’ve decided that I am not going to cut this one out. I am just going to let this bunch stay in the pot and see how far it will go…

Pudina is another easy to grow plant. My maid, who has a great green thumb insisted that I have mint in my garden, and got the branch herself and planted it. It now is a cute little bush. Not enough to make mint chutney but enough to increase the green colour in the balcony…

There is no other plant that has got my fancy as much as the Basil. I sometimes doubt that my love for pasta is because of the love for Italian Basil. I love the smell of Thai Basil and the shape of the leaves. I love to pluck the Indian Basil’s leaves and chew on them. Fresh Basil and its smell always make my mouth water and when I made my first batch of Pesto, I was on Cloud 9.

So when I was getting the home garden ready, I knew I had to have the Basil plants. N gave me a bunch of Thai Basil seeds, but given the success rate I have in getting plants out or seeds, I lost them all. That was when A was generous enough to give me a Thai Basil sapling which I asked my maid to plant in the pot. And lo… within a few weeks, I had a beautiful plant , full of leaves and some more saplings in the same pot.

I am still waiting for laying my hands on some Italian Basil so I can make pesto out of my own basil leaves without having to make that trip to the super market , and to make plain basil pasta. Till then, I am making do with this Basil.

And then, there is the Lemongrass herb that I painstakingly grew. One fine day I got this craving to cook and eat Thai food, and the recipe called for lemongrass. I immediately set off to the nearest super market to buy some. Sadly, that place didn’t have any. The next super market didn’t have any too, neither did the next. Desperation took me to the Hyper City mall where I found three bulbs of lemongrass. But so shaken was I with the whole looking-for-the-herb when there is a deep craving for the food , that I chose to not cook with this lemongrass, but grow my own lemon grass. How I grew this from those three bulbs is another story, but this herb has not given up on me, so far. It gives me fresh stalks of grass every week, which i sometimes cut and throw away, because of its abundance. Touché.

And oh, the Kari Patta plant, which is now almost stripped off all the leaves, yet has one stalk for me every time I want to tadka-karo my South Indian dishes.

The Aloe Vera plant which promises eternal health, great skin , the sun, moon and the stars , has not been used for any of these purposes so far, because of which it has grown enormous leaves, stretching into my Thai Basil. And then there are the decorative plants the husband loves so much… All this on the bamboo stool that we got made for the balcony… well, that’s all to the home garden, for now, at least.

Notting Hill

 

The first time I heard the song ‘When you say nothing at all’ by Ronan Keating, I fell in love. With him and with the band that he belonged to, Boyzone (yeah yeah, boy bands and all, I know! :)). But only recently did it occur to me that this is OST for Notting Hill, and that I hadn’t seen the movie at all.

And the minute I finished the movie, I knew this made it to the list of Movies-I-Watch-When-I-Need-Comfort and hence one of my most favourite movies.

After all , I’m just a girl… standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her…

Everytime I listen to this dialogue, tears well up in my eyes, I cry. Every.single.time.
I cry for the vulnerable girl standing in front of the boy she loves, asking him to take her back and understand her, love her and care for her.
Honest, deep, poignant, vulnerable, slightly desperate for love – this scene is the most defining moment in the entire movie. Anna’s character jumps out of the screen and suddenly feels live, like someone you know could’ve said this , or may be you could’ve said this too…

The weekend that was…

 

Starting from Friday evening, I -

• visited in-laws who live 30 kms away
• cooked a complete Telugu/Tulu meal for friends who were coming in for lunch
• baked a whole lot of items in the evening, some of which fell flat and some of which turned out good
• watched all the sitcoms (7 of them!) and a movie (Nights in Rodanthe – beautiful but depressing movie, btw)
• had Neer-dose as an elaborate Sunday breakfast
• did a small DIY project with an old lantern and some LED lights
• helped a nephew move into his own room and set it up a bit
• an evening in Hard Rock Cafe
• two movies after the evening – Notting Hill and Under the Tuscan Sky

For someone whose idea of a perfect weekend is when she curls up on her couch reading something, and cooking a nice meal for dinner, this is way too much activity.

Sometimes I wonder if I am really a super woman or just a restless person trying to find her Zen… :-|

Look Ma, 500!

 

Yes, that’s how many posts I’ve written till date! :-D

The first time I read the husband’s blog (Link doesn’t exist anymore, but he used to be The Eternal Six Year Old) and thus discovered blogs and spent hours reading Vaish’s blog(restricted users, no point in clicking the link :-)), I was in love. With the concept of writing. What I used to scribble in my little notebook at home wasn’t enough. I wanted to write on my comp, and wanted to see my writings in print (Yeah yeah, tall order but still :-)). And thus started my blog journey.

From a blog with a silly word like ‘Smiling’ to another silly word like ‘Chocolate’ in its title to a more matured name inspired by one of Ayn Rand’s books, I’ve had a total of 7 blogs! Phew! That’s a lot.

Well, there are many reasons why I skipped from one blog to another(all of these documented as I did the hop and skip, some of which I hope to publish here someday) and I never counted the number of posts I wrote in all.

Until today. :-)

And boy, look at the number!

Wow! I’ve written fiction and non-fiction. Created some silly series of stories from my life , some from friends’ , ranted a lot, became all philosophical and mystical also, introspected and also went in a total retrospect mood too. In short, it was one hell of an awesome journey!

Yes, I have all these blogs. Still. I just restricted users to them, because they are no more relevant to what I am today.

Writing has always been a love, and it will continue to be so. I don’t have to publish novels or write super-hit plays. Whenever I am down, or when I am happy or when I want to share something with someone, I have my writing. It doesn’t matter if no one reads, I will read them. And write, I will. For my sake. To express myself. To feel good. To feel confident. And to emote.

503! In 5 years! That’s an average of 100 posts per year. Which means, one in atleast 3 days! This makes even a self-critic like me also proud! :-D

Why the Ink?

 

As a responsible adult with many teenaged nieces and nephews, I know I will have to face these questions a zillion times in future - Why the need to permanently ink yourself? What is that pressing a need that you needed to express yourself so loud, permanently? What were you thinking? 

I love the design I got inked with. It means a lot to me that what it looks like. And this is entirely the reason I went ahead with the tattoo. But there is a slightly deeper reason to it.

I might mince words, smile and pass off the questions or break out the honest answer depending on who asks these questions, but this is one place where I can be honest – Yes, I got myself inked because I wanted to. Simple. If I don’t want it in future, then I will still accept full responsibility to what I did, and deal with it the way I want to.
And no, I am not a rebel. I do not hate this world. I am not questioning the ways of the world. On the contrary, I love the world and my life and everything in it.

Call it the extreme influence of the books I read (Thank you, Atlas Shrugged!) or the very modern-thinking teachers I had in school, having grown up in an orthodox Indian middle class family, I have realized one concept - The only thing a human being wants ever in life is Freedom.

Financial freedom, Social freedom, Emotional freedom. Freedom to just be. Freedom to do what one feels like. Freedom.

The following lines sum it all up for me -

"I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine."- John Galt

Obviously the society we all grew up in does not greatly love this idea of freedom. Since we are social beings, and have to live with one another and not in isolation, it is only valid and logical that we abide by the norms that the society dictates. Yes. Agreed, and entirely valid.

But as women, we face many more predicaments in our lives, which will go against what we want to do or believe in, and we end up doing what the society demands of us. In most situations we are forced to do things we do not believe in, or do not want to, but do it only for the sake of people around us. And most of these happen in home front, the one place where we logically should have all the freedom.

I, particularly still consider myself to be one of the luckiest women I know, having had the kind of free childhood I have had, the freedom I got in choosing my life and the way I want to lead it, the freedom I still have in doing the things I want to do in the way I want it to be done, at home and work and all. In spite of all these, I have found myself stifled couple of times… and that is when the whole desire for freedom crops up all over again.

To be what I want to be.
To do what I want to do.
To say what I feel like.
All without being judged!

I know it is asking for more, given the society we all live in, but the least I can do to assert to myself that I am an independent individual, fully in control of her life is to take a decision on what I do with my body! :-)

Rollback?

After having built, maintained and tested huge and complex systems for almost 5 years now, the first thought that enters my mind when I see any design is – Can it be rolled back? How much of an effort it is to roll this back? Can we make the rollback easier? What is the damage to the system when we rollback?
Call it a personality trait or work-seeping-way-too-much-into-life , I have started thinking about a rollback strategy for most of the things I do in my life too.
A small change to the house layout or design, and I go ahead on thinking about it only after I am assured that it can be rolled-back.
A change to the way I dress up or get my dresses is also considered only after my mind quickly calculates how to roll it back if it were to go wrong.
Any item of furniture that I even consider buying would be thought about after I find out multiple uses of the same, and I know that the look it gives to the house can be rolled back!

Even the ear and nose piercings I have had, I got them only after analysing a good rollback strategy. And I’ve rolled back them all. :)
Falling in love, getting married, buying a house or a book or a car, decision on whether to get a pet or not – I could do none of these without having my exit strategy clear, in my head. If there is no exit out of the situation, it doesn’t exist for me.
The deal has always been that I would not suffer the most damages!
Call it selfish, control-freakish or plain pessimist, Exit/Rollback has been the deal breaker always!
Booking a movie ticket or planning a holiday also will happen after having carefully thought of on what would happen if the plan doesn’t go well. What is the financial damage and if we can afford it? Basically, rollback strategy there also!
To this extent that, when I was getting inked, the ONE thought on my mind was, can this be rolled back?
And I knew it cannot be, atleast not as easily as the rest could be.
And that is exactly why I went ahead with the option of getting permanent ink on my body.
Yes, I had to break free from this commitment-phobia. From this fear of not being able to do anything without preparing for the worst.
Yes, it has been a mantra in life – Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
It has always helped me be peaceful in life, doing my best work where I like and not bothering about what the result could be.
Understanding fully well that I will get what I deserve in my karma, and no one take what is rightfully mine.
But the practical cynic in me has take the whole ‘prepare for the worst’ to a totally different level. Over the years, I’ve begun to think of the worst first. Plan for what I will do if the worst were to happen. Prepare the exit strategy so well that I will return from it unscathed or with little damage. Then go ahead and hope for the best, and give it my everything.
No, I do not like it. I do not do it on purpose. Its just the way I have conditioned my mind to think, and it certainly is not the most fullest way to live life.
The way to live life fully would be to go ahead and do what your mind asks you to do, without caring for the consequences. Impulse! What is life without a little impulse?
Would there be any adventure or excitement in life if you plan and re-plan every single step? No, right?
So when the thought of rollback entered my mind as the artist was just about to put the needle in the first time, I did not give it a second thought. I told myself – You are convinced about the design. You know the location is the best you can come up with. You know you will love this design forever. Then why think of a rollback? Go ahead with the tattoo, and experience this moment.
And that’s exactly what I did, of course after talking in detail about the whole tattoo-removal process with the artist ;-)
Even in this case, I have a rollback strategy. Even if the design doesn’t mean the same to me anymore after 10 yrs, it will atleast be a good memory to what all it means to me now. There, some people just cannot be changed! :-|
So the one adjective that might be missing from my life’s resume might be ‘Impulsive’. That I certainly am not. So every item I check off my Bucket List, would probably not be an impulsive move!
Even the most impulsive decision I took is actually the most planned, most thought after one! Ah, the irony!

Inked!

 

Permanently! Yes! :-D

And as my friend A puts it, I am now The Girl with the Music Tattoo! :-)

I finally mustered the guts, got over the initial cold feet (little did I know what real cold feet mean! More on that later!) and went to the next most famous tattoo studio in Hyderabad (Hakim’s Aalim) and spoke to the artist there about getting this tattoo. I spoke to him about the design, location, the price he’d charge, and the safety measures he would take, and thought about it for 5 full minutes, standing right there, in his studio. I figured out I was confused about the location, and did not want to do this in a hurry. I told him I’d get back to in exactly two days, and came back home, thinking all the while if I can do it at all.

I SMSed/Mailed all my girl-friends asking them what they thought of a tattoo. Some said they hated it, some said they have always wanted to get one done, and some said its not worth the pain. I then threw the option of me getting it done, and like true friends (thanks girls!:-)), they supported me telling its a cool thing to do.

The design was something I had decided on a zillion years ago, but the location was what I was not sure about.

Ankle was the first choice, but this tattoo was certainly not for the ankle.
Wrist was considered next, but I had to consider the orthodox mindset in the family, and conservative social set-up at work and outside, which means I will forever have to conceal it with a big watch or too many bangles, both of which were not attractive options. Moreover, the more I discussed this with friends after I came back from the studio (Thanks, J!) the more this option fell out of favour.
Neck, back and tummy were totally out of question.
I knew upper arm was kinda overdone, with almost every second person who has a tattoo having it there, but that looked like the most practical option. I could conceal it when I wanted to, which would be most of the times, and could show it off when I could, without really having to strip (;-)). We (J & I) zero-ed on getting this in the front side of the upper arm, someplace where you would see it if you were to look at me straight. And that was settled!

So on the morning of 28th June, I called up the studio to confirm my appointment. And that was the last peaceful moment of the day. I experienced a mix of excitement, cannot-wait-for-the-moment-feeling, fear and a real chill in the spine and drying up of throat. Honestly, the feeling was something I have experienced never before, even when I was getting married. And coming from a commitment-phobe like me, that is a lot!

In all the nervousness, I ran low on body sugar and had to stop the car to buy a packet of biscuits to ensure I don’t faint while driving. And when I finally got within walking distance to the studio, I jumped the red signal, yet again because of the nervousness, got caught by the cop, had a nice long chat with him, appreciated him for all the good work the traffic guys do , paid the fine he levied on me fair and square, requested for the receipt and left (God alone knows how I did all this with trembling hands, and a nervous voice. The cop must’ve been thinking its him! :))

At the studio, the artist, Daniel pleasantly surprised me by doing his fair share of homework on the design. He did some good add-ons to the original design I thought of, and jazz-ed it up to make it look extra cool, which it did. But then, my mind was hung up on this design, for various reasons, and so upon my insistence, he began his work on this design. We discussed a bit on the location, and he gave me very valid inputs on what he thought of my original choice, and gave me enough time to think about it. At the end, I agreed to his point, and slightly shifted the location, to the left, so it can be seen when seen from my left.  He made a neat stencil and stuck it at the right place, let me check it out myself in the mirror, and then started on.

No, it doesn’t pain as much as we think it will. It does pain a bit, and as women, we are used to the pain caused when we get a wax or a threading done anyways. Its more or less similar. What’s worse is the train of thoughts on your head – Will it turn out alright? What if I don’t like it when its done? What if it is slightly in a different position? What if I want to get rid of it? Honestly, keeping yourself calm when all these questions arise is a big thing in itself! And that added to the commitment-phobia I had been experiencing, I was a bunch of nerves. Only when I got up to see how the outline looked did I calm up a bit. I had begun to love it. And by the time he was done after patiently incorporating all my suggestions, I was in love. With the tattoo! And the design! And what it means to me! :-D

Here it is … presenting the Treble-Clef on myself ! :-)

When I came back, I emailed the pics of the tattoo to all my friends, and all of them seemed to love it. :-)

Well, I always thought I’d have atleast two tattooes on me, but going by what it takes mentally to get one done, and what I went through, I don’t think the next one is coming anytime soon. Or may be never. Doesn’t matter, coz I have The One forever! :-D

The Muppathne List!

I know this is a food-blog, and I intend to keep it that way, although the past couple of posts didn’t exactly live up to it, but as I am running towards the end of the most defining decade of my life faster that I hoped I would, I cant help but think of a few things. Few things I’ve done over the past 10 years. Few mistakes. Few good things. Few memories. Few friends. Fewer foes. And some really good times. Since this is the only active blog I have, here it goes…

The first 10 years of my life have been boring. I was the nerd in school, someone whom even I would hate, if I were to see her now. I read all the time, books way above my age, and didn’t play many of the games kids played back then. Scrabble, Tin Tin and Mills & Boon were some of the words I learnt after I turned 25, and am not proud of it.

The second 10 years were spent trying to make something out of my life. Everything I wanted to do was always punctuated with ‘When I grow up’. Now that I have actually grown up, I realize that I should’ve done them all then, instead of being a silly serious teenager. Yes, none of the teenage girl tantrums, pyjama parties, sleepovers, girl giggles over crushes. Zilch. I grew up in a serious town where there was no place for any of this, and all we had to do everyday was to study, because getting into a good college was tough! Study I did, but got into a good college, I doubt. :P But then, life has turned out well after that, thankfully!

I still remember the night before my 20th b’day, I was talking to a best friend about what I wanted for a gift and my plans for the next 10 years, and my brother jumped into the room, partly to threaten me for talking on the phone in that ungodly hour, and partly to make me cut my first ever birthday cake. It still feels like yday, and it still is hard to believe that its been 10 years. 10 Good years! :)

List-making is a compulsive habit I have cultivated over the past decade, and how can I not make one at a time like this. :)

Over the past 10 years, I have -

1. Fallen in love and got married purely for love. Interestingly, I didn’t believe in neither marriage nor love back then, but when it happened, it sure did feel good :)
2. Found my Mr.Right. Yes, its a pleasant surprise that a man like that existed, for me :)
3. Changed my name. Of course, after my wedding. :) It was a big decision given the number of documents I had to get it changed on. And the process is still not 100% done! Phew!
4. Contemplated suicide just once. Yes, and I was damn serious then. When I look back now, I know it was the stupidest thought process ever. :)
5. Owned my first ever Barbie for my 25th b’day. Even I felt bad for the little girl that was me! :(
6. Lost the ability to trust people. Totally. In fact, trust issues are something I battle on a daily basis! :|
7. Given farewells to many friends. Some good. Some bad. Both friends and farewells. And it hurt every single time.
8. Got betrayed once, in a friendship. I still don’t talk to her, but I sometimes think may be I should! :|
9. Wept with joy only once. That too, when a best friend’s life long dream got fulfilled. Wondered ever since why these tears haven’t visited again. The friend sure did mean a lot, there were happier occasions but I think I grew up to be a more balanced person :)
10. Taken a decision, of which I am still proud of, that I will not join college if it means my Dad would have to take up a loan for my MBA college fee.
11. Was jobless for 6 months, during which I even walked 6-7km every day to save money! Tough tough times, they were, crossing them wouldn’t have been possible without a few friends.
12. Lost a pet. And resolved to never have pets. Finally a foster pet had to come after 8 yrs to get me out of the pain of losing the first one! Also, changed a complete non-dog-person to a total-dog-person. Yes, I loved what I did to the husband!
13. Bargained for a salary of 10K with the CEO of a company, and lost the bargain! :) Got my first job entirely by fluke, in spite of telling I never even wanted to work there! And changed four jobs thereafter. All found through plain networking and friends and of course, some good interviews.
14. Spent my first few salaries on a good deed, something that is doing good even now. *touchwood* :)
15. Had one wonderful closure. Yes, closures are important for us to live on.
16. Moved out of a city totally on an impulse. One moment I was sitting by the steps of a temple in Rajaji Nagar, Bangalore, and the next moment, I got up, packed my bags and moved back to Hyderabad. :)
17. Grown philosophical – practising Yoga & Vipasana and reading Aghora-1 included!
18. Read a lot of books. Lots of them, and unlike the past two decades which I spent reading Shakespeare and the likes, these were books for people my age. Except of course, Harry Potter and Twilight. ;)
19. Seen my mantra of detachment being put to good test. And I think I have almost mastered it, atleast on a human level :)
20. Almost broke the back once, and constantly have the neck in danger. And few such health disasters in the past 5 yrs. This came as a sudden jolt to me, then a 26 yr old who didn’t even have as much as a fever, and pushed me to an extent of being a maniac about healthy eating.
21. Had the most stupidest break up ever. Stupid because the affair was one-sided. :P (Anil Kumble never knew he had an affair with the 20 yr old me, you see! ;))
22. Written my first ever blog post, and continued writing for a little more than 5 yrs now. Discovered the joy of writing! (Don’t ask me the link to the blogs, they are anonymous :) )
23. Travelled a bit, though not as much as I would have loved to, but then, I got another 4 decades to do it all, right? :) Also, had the pleasure of living in a foreign country for a while, like a local.
24. Bought a house! :-D
25. Discovered the interest in cooking, and baking and some gardening.
26. Discovered my love of dark chocolates. Yes, this is important enough to go down in this list :)
27. Gone through various phases – a sentimental romantic person to a wee-bit-cynical, practical and a spiritual(not religious) person and I hope to stay this way.
28. Changed from being a complete extrovert to what I now think is a closet emotional and introvert person
29. Sprouted a few grey hairs :). Now dreaming of growing old and being as beautiful and graceful as Meryl Streep. ;)
30. As a last attempt to do something drastic in this decade, went on a road trip by myself and completed it successfully last weekend, in spite of the car almost giving up on me, and resistance on the home front. The husband was completely supportive that I should do this, Dad and Mom obviously weren’t but they got to know only after I reached their place. Yes, I drove from Hyd to my parent’s place, 230 kms in 2.5 hrs flat, and at an average speed of 90 kmph. And am mighty proud of it! :)

Yaay, and the list has exactly 30 items in it ! :)

And yes, given a chance to live these 10 yrs again, I wouldn’t change anything in the above! They make me what I am today!

[The title literally means – The Thirtieth list. Muppa is Thirty in my mother tongue, Tulu :)]