Why the Ink?

 

As a responsible adult with many teenaged nieces and nephews, I know I will have to face these questions a zillion times in future - Why the need to permanently ink yourself? What is that pressing a need that you needed to express yourself so loud, permanently? What were you thinking? 

I love the design I got inked with. It means a lot to me that what it looks like. And this is entirely the reason I went ahead with the tattoo. But there is a slightly deeper reason to it.

I might mince words, smile and pass off the questions or break out the honest answer depending on who asks these questions, but this is one place where I can be honest – Yes, I got myself inked because I wanted to. Simple. If I don’t want it in future, then I will still accept full responsibility to what I did, and deal with it the way I want to.
And no, I am not a rebel. I do not hate this world. I am not questioning the ways of the world. On the contrary, I love the world and my life and everything in it.

Call it the extreme influence of the books I read (Thank you, Atlas Shrugged!) or the very modern-thinking teachers I had in school, having grown up in an orthodox Indian middle class family, I have realized one concept - The only thing a human being wants ever in life is Freedom.

Financial freedom, Social freedom, Emotional freedom. Freedom to just be. Freedom to do what one feels like. Freedom.

The following lines sum it all up for me -

"I swear by my life and my love of it that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine."- John Galt

Obviously the society we all grew up in does not greatly love this idea of freedom. Since we are social beings, and have to live with one another and not in isolation, it is only valid and logical that we abide by the norms that the society dictates. Yes. Agreed, and entirely valid.

But as women, we face many more predicaments in our lives, which will go against what we want to do or believe in, and we end up doing what the society demands of us. In most situations we are forced to do things we do not believe in, or do not want to, but do it only for the sake of people around us. And most of these happen in home front, the one place where we logically should have all the freedom.

I, particularly still consider myself to be one of the luckiest women I know, having had the kind of free childhood I have had, the freedom I got in choosing my life and the way I want to lead it, the freedom I still have in doing the things I want to do in the way I want it to be done, at home and work and all. In spite of all these, I have found myself stifled couple of times… and that is when the whole desire for freedom crops up all over again.

To be what I want to be.
To do what I want to do.
To say what I feel like.
All without being judged!

I know it is asking for more, given the society we all live in, but the least I can do to assert to myself that I am an independent individual, fully in control of her life is to take a decision on what I do with my body! :-)

Rollback?

After having built, maintained and tested huge and complex systems for almost 5 years now, the first thought that enters my mind when I see any design is – Can it be rolled back? How much of an effort it is to roll this back? Can we make the rollback easier? What is the damage to the system when we rollback?
Call it a personality trait or work-seeping-way-too-much-into-life , I have started thinking about a rollback strategy for most of the things I do in my life too.
A small change to the house layout or design, and I go ahead on thinking about it only after I am assured that it can be rolled-back.
A change to the way I dress up or get my dresses is also considered only after my mind quickly calculates how to roll it back if it were to go wrong.
Any item of furniture that I even consider buying would be thought about after I find out multiple uses of the same, and I know that the look it gives to the house can be rolled back!

Even the ear and nose piercings I have had, I got them only after analysing a good rollback strategy. And I’ve rolled back them all. :)
Falling in love, getting married, buying a house or a book or a car, decision on whether to get a pet or not – I could do none of these without having my exit strategy clear, in my head. If there is no exit out of the situation, it doesn’t exist for me.
The deal has always been that I would not suffer the most damages!
Call it selfish, control-freakish or plain pessimist, Exit/Rollback has been the deal breaker always!
Booking a movie ticket or planning a holiday also will happen after having carefully thought of on what would happen if the plan doesn’t go well. What is the financial damage and if we can afford it? Basically, rollback strategy there also!
To this extent that, when I was getting inked, the ONE thought on my mind was, can this be rolled back?
And I knew it cannot be, atleast not as easily as the rest could be.
And that is exactly why I went ahead with the option of getting permanent ink on my body.
Yes, I had to break free from this commitment-phobia. From this fear of not being able to do anything without preparing for the worst.
Yes, it has been a mantra in life – Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
It has always helped me be peaceful in life, doing my best work where I like and not bothering about what the result could be.
Understanding fully well that I will get what I deserve in my karma, and no one take what is rightfully mine.
But the practical cynic in me has take the whole ‘prepare for the worst’ to a totally different level. Over the years, I’ve begun to think of the worst first. Plan for what I will do if the worst were to happen. Prepare the exit strategy so well that I will return from it unscathed or with little damage. Then go ahead and hope for the best, and give it my everything.
No, I do not like it. I do not do it on purpose. Its just the way I have conditioned my mind to think, and it certainly is not the most fullest way to live life.
The way to live life fully would be to go ahead and do what your mind asks you to do, without caring for the consequences. Impulse! What is life without a little impulse?
Would there be any adventure or excitement in life if you plan and re-plan every single step? No, right?
So when the thought of rollback entered my mind as the artist was just about to put the needle in the first time, I did not give it a second thought. I told myself – You are convinced about the design. You know the location is the best you can come up with. You know you will love this design forever. Then why think of a rollback? Go ahead with the tattoo, and experience this moment.
And that’s exactly what I did, of course after talking in detail about the whole tattoo-removal process with the artist ;-)
Even in this case, I have a rollback strategy. Even if the design doesn’t mean the same to me anymore after 10 yrs, it will atleast be a good memory to what all it means to me now. There, some people just cannot be changed! :-|
So the one adjective that might be missing from my life’s resume might be ‘Impulsive’. That I certainly am not. So every item I check off my Bucket List, would probably not be an impulsive move!
Even the most impulsive decision I took is actually the most planned, most thought after one! Ah, the irony!

Inked!

 

Permanently! Yes! :-D

And as my friend A puts it, I am now The Girl with the Music Tattoo! :-)

I finally mustered the guts, got over the initial cold feet (little did I know what real cold feet mean! More on that later!) and went to the next most famous tattoo studio in Hyderabad (Hakim’s Aalim) and spoke to the artist there about getting this tattoo. I spoke to him about the design, location, the price he’d charge, and the safety measures he would take, and thought about it for 5 full minutes, standing right there, in his studio. I figured out I was confused about the location, and did not want to do this in a hurry. I told him I’d get back to in exactly two days, and came back home, thinking all the while if I can do it at all.

I SMSed/Mailed all my girl-friends asking them what they thought of a tattoo. Some said they hated it, some said they have always wanted to get one done, and some said its not worth the pain. I then threw the option of me getting it done, and like true friends (thanks girls!:-)), they supported me telling its a cool thing to do.

The design was something I had decided on a zillion years ago, but the location was what I was not sure about.

Ankle was the first choice, but this tattoo was certainly not for the ankle.
Wrist was considered next, but I had to consider the orthodox mindset in the family, and conservative social set-up at work and outside, which means I will forever have to conceal it with a big watch or too many bangles, both of which were not attractive options. Moreover, the more I discussed this with friends after I came back from the studio (Thanks, J!) the more this option fell out of favour.
Neck, back and tummy were totally out of question.
I knew upper arm was kinda overdone, with almost every second person who has a tattoo having it there, but that looked like the most practical option. I could conceal it when I wanted to, which would be most of the times, and could show it off when I could, without really having to strip (;-)). We (J & I) zero-ed on getting this in the front side of the upper arm, someplace where you would see it if you were to look at me straight. And that was settled!

So on the morning of 28th June, I called up the studio to confirm my appointment. And that was the last peaceful moment of the day. I experienced a mix of excitement, cannot-wait-for-the-moment-feeling, fear and a real chill in the spine and drying up of throat. Honestly, the feeling was something I have experienced never before, even when I was getting married. And coming from a commitment-phobe like me, that is a lot!

In all the nervousness, I ran low on body sugar and had to stop the car to buy a packet of biscuits to ensure I don’t faint while driving. And when I finally got within walking distance to the studio, I jumped the red signal, yet again because of the nervousness, got caught by the cop, had a nice long chat with him, appreciated him for all the good work the traffic guys do , paid the fine he levied on me fair and square, requested for the receipt and left (God alone knows how I did all this with trembling hands, and a nervous voice. The cop must’ve been thinking its him! :))

At the studio, the artist, Daniel pleasantly surprised me by doing his fair share of homework on the design. He did some good add-ons to the original design I thought of, and jazz-ed it up to make it look extra cool, which it did. But then, my mind was hung up on this design, for various reasons, and so upon my insistence, he began his work on this design. We discussed a bit on the location, and he gave me very valid inputs on what he thought of my original choice, and gave me enough time to think about it. At the end, I agreed to his point, and slightly shifted the location, to the left, so it can be seen when seen from my left.  He made a neat stencil and stuck it at the right place, let me check it out myself in the mirror, and then started on.

No, it doesn’t pain as much as we think it will. It does pain a bit, and as women, we are used to the pain caused when we get a wax or a threading done anyways. Its more or less similar. What’s worse is the train of thoughts on your head – Will it turn out alright? What if I don’t like it when its done? What if it is slightly in a different position? What if I want to get rid of it? Honestly, keeping yourself calm when all these questions arise is a big thing in itself! And that added to the commitment-phobia I had been experiencing, I was a bunch of nerves. Only when I got up to see how the outline looked did I calm up a bit. I had begun to love it. And by the time he was done after patiently incorporating all my suggestions, I was in love. With the tattoo! And the design! And what it means to me! :-D

Here it is … presenting the Treble-Clef on myself ! :-)

When I came back, I emailed the pics of the tattoo to all my friends, and all of them seemed to love it. :-)

Well, I always thought I’d have atleast two tattooes on me, but going by what it takes mentally to get one done, and what I went through, I don’t think the next one is coming anytime soon. Or may be never. Doesn’t matter, coz I have The One forever! :-D

25K!

They say registering for a run is half the job done. I sincerely hope so! Coz, I’ve decided to train for the Bangalore Ultra Marathon, and to the 25KM run in it!
Partly because I badly need to lose those few (or not really few!) extra kilos off myself, and partly to self-discipline myself. Training for a 25K would mean that I have to wake up early in the morning, sleep early at night and in general be watchful of what I eat, and how I run.
Another major reason is to self-justify those extra-expensive running Sketchers I got for myself last month! :)
Assuming that the race would be in mid-Nov, I still have ~18 weeks for the 25K run. And going by what majority of the fitness websites tell me, a sincere 10 weeks should be enough to do a half-marathon. But since I have never run before, I will mostly certainly need atleast 16 weeks.
Let us see how I sustain, I certainly intend to blog about my weekly routine. And please pray that I don’t drop off this in the middle and thus disgust myself forever!

Girl-friends!

 

As far as friends are concerned, this has to be the best period in my life.

Actually, I'll reword this sentence. This feels like the best period of my life, contrary to what I always thought - about life coming to a standstill once you are 30.

No, trust me, it doesn't.
I know I sound like one of those zillion women who tell you that age is just a number, and they feel no different before and after 30.

Well, it is, and it isn't.
It still pinches when I have to check a different box in application forms, or read articles like 'Life gets better after 30' or when I spot a new grey hair or two.
But its a different feeling now. I feel much more liberated, much more at ease with everything around, so much more at peace with myself. May be it all comes from accepting things as they are, or atleast the trial to do so.

Back to the friends topic, the last time I met anyone new or had great friends was in college. And that was a long time ago. Barring for one or two people who have become really close friends over these years, I kept on wondering if I had lost the ability to make friends at all. Or to trust people and to have fun in general.
Yes, I have ~400 friends on FB, all of whom I have known and met in real life. But when I see the number, I question myself if I really know so many people at all, and if FB isn't inflating the number just for my sake (yeah, I think of myself as that important :-P)

And believe me, any number of friends you have, and any amount of fun you have with them, its never the same as hanging out with a bunch of girls. The fun you can have with a bunch of girl-friends cannot be compared with anything else!

Oh, now when I take a stock of friends in life -  the number of friends I have, the amount of fun I have with each of them, yes, this has to be the best period in almost a decade!

There is this bunch of girls with whom I’ve been friends for over 5 yrs now, and though most of us have still not met each other, its like we are sisters. Yes, that close, and that important to me!

Then there are these women I met online, and then in person, and then pleasantly surprised to realize that we have so much more in common with each other…

Some women I met at work, who have ceased to be work friends and much more… The way they understand me, and get me… awesome!

Some friends of friends, who have become good friends now, with whom I can talk about literally anything, for any amount of length!

I know its hard to find friends within the family, but then I’ve been lucky that way too… :-)

Evenings , dinner or lunch, the comment exchange I have with them on FB or even a simple chat conversation  - Each one of these is so much fun, and I can’t help being thankful for their presence! :)

Ladies, if you are reading this, you know it is about you, and for the first and the last time , Thanks for being there in my life!  :-)

What we all do… :)

Link to the original comic.

Dreams!

Yes. And hence the blog. But still with a pseudonym! ;-)